


Sweater Vests & Cigarettes

by xenoglossia (oncharredwings)



Series: College Professor AU [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: "first time" - it's been 14 years for Shiro y'all, Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Angst, Apologies, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Fights, Fluff, Foster Care, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Make Up, Masturbation, Meet-Cute, Mentions of Suicide, Multiple Orgasms, Nightmares, Open Ending, Past Relationship(s), Raw Sex, Separations, Vulnerability, bottom!shiro, college professor au, i s2g there is a happy ending, kuron is shiro's twin, mentions of abuse, mentions of kuron, professor!Keith, professor!shiro, the au where Shiro thinks Keith is a a student but he isn't, top!Keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-12 11:29:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13546422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncharredwings/pseuds/xenoglossia
Summary: Takashi Shirogane is a sensible man who drives a sensible car and has a sensible job – that is, until he meets Keith Kogane.The AU where Shiro is a professor and he thinks Keith is a student. But he isn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really appreciate all of the love this fic has gotten, it really gives me something to cling to when my mental health is in the gutter. 
> 
> Here is some official art drawn by the ever amazing Jules: [link](https://lijau.tumblr.com/post/170322419822/art-professor-keith-kogane-or-at-least-how-i)

Takashi Shirogane was known to be calm and collected guy. He spent his days teaching astrophysics to young undergraduates and his evenings consisted of routine workouts and Netflix marathoning. He held one Masters Degree in Japanese culture and one doctorate in astrophysics. He drove a sensible car and always dressed professionally at work.

Respectable, calm, put together leader. That was Takashi Shirogane, well, until the Crisis occurred.

The crisis in question, with a capital C, occurred at 7:58 a.m. PST inside the Red Lion Cafe  housed in Alfor Memorial Library on campus. Shiro arrived before his 8:30 lecture, standing in line to order his usual, when his eyes fell upon the Crisis with a goddamn capital C.

“Next.”

Shiro stared, completely stunned by the beautiful boy waiting off to the side for his morning jolt. Dark, messy, long hair thrown into a messy ponytail matched the wrinkled red shirt and ripped black skinny jeans. A black jacket and black combat boots helped complete the guy’s edgy look, but what sealed the deal for Shiro were the multiple ear piercings and the scowl on his handsome face.

“ _Next_.”

A poke to the back made Shiro jump. The student barista stared at him expectantly and he felt his face heat up. He mumbled an apology as sweaty palms made retrieving his wallet almost impossible. All the while, his cheeks burned to the third degree.

Once the coffee was finally paid for, Shiro turned to go wait on it. Just in time to see the beautiful boy walk away, coffee in hand, back out into the gray morning. Relief flooded Shiro’s entire body, which quickly turned into _guilt_ . He’d found a _student_ attractive. A _student._

“Hey Shiro!” Matt Holt called as he came to stand beside him. “Dude, you are crazy red. Are you okay?”

“Uh-  yes,” Shiro replied. Leave it to Matt to make him _more_ aware than he already was. His large double espresso was placed on the counter, so he grabbed it and took a hurried drink.

Matt’s eyebrows went up as he witnessed Shiro burn the inside of his mouth off. “ _Okay_ , you  wanna walk and talk?”

He nodded since his mouth still felt like a scorched oven. Once Matt had his coffee in hand, they left the library cafe and began to trek toward the Altean science building.

“So, did you see something cute earlier, Mr. - or _excuse me_ , Dr. Dry Spell?” Matt asked with a smirk.

January 2nd and despite the cooler weather, once again, Shiro felt his face burn with the implication. Matt wasn’t wrong on either point, which didn’t help. He ducked his head and debated on how to properly respond.

“Cat got your tongue, Dr. Shirogane?”

“I’m going to kick your ass,” Shiro replied as he followed Matt inside.

“ _Well_?” Mart moved ahead of him, taking the stairs two at a time to match Shiro’s strife.

He could only roll his eyes as they made their way to the second floor. Last year, he’d been promoted to department head and the title came with a new office. Compared to the tiny corner office he’d had for the last four years, the larger space was a perk to the job.

There was a large window that overlooked the sunny atrium, a wall full of bookshelves, and an inherited couch. Some nights, he didn’t even go home and just slept in his office, even though Matt told him that was because he was a workaholic, not due to the comfy space.

As soon as he opened the door, Matt flung himself onto the said couch, whole Shiro grabbed the stack of tests he was issuing in fifteen minutes.

“Seriously, you need to enlist a TA to proctor your exams. Sleep in on those days,” Matt chided.

“I don’t have time for interviews.” The sentence came out clipped, which wasn’t the intention, but after the morning’s embarrassment, his temper felt short.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Matt caught on because he quickly raised his hands in self-defense. “Whoa, calm down there Cujo.”

A heavy sigh slid out of Shiro like air in a flat tire and he hung his head. “Yes, I saw something cute this morning, but I feel awful because I’m certain they were a student.”

The bomb dropped and it left an uncomfortable silence. Shiro immediately regretted the decision, but he quickly ushered a stunned Matt from his office so he wasn’t late to his own class.

“A _student_? Kinky.”

“Shut up.” The embarrassment made Shiro feel like dying as he hurried down the hall to his class. Matt would never let him live this down and he was an idiot for telling him.

He arrived at exactly 8:30 and set the tests down on the front desk. “Come pick up a test. You have two hours to finish. No cell phones, books, notes, iPads, iPods, and other technology. If you finish early, you are free to turn in your test and go home.”

Shiro slowly sank down in his chair behind the desk in front of the lecture hall, suddenly very tired. Maybe Matt was right about hiring a graduate student as a TA. He was pushing 37 and rising early was no longer easy. Finding time to interview grad students may become a necessary evil.

The classroom quickly became quiet, save for pencils furiously scratching into paper, and Shiro wished it wasn’t. If he’d been teaching, he couldn't stop thinking about _the guy_.

 _The student_ , Shiro reminded himself as he opened his laptop to go over emails, Facebook, _anything_ to distract his mind. Of course, not even ten minutes into going over emails, Matt was texting him.

 

→   _a student??? I can’t get over this. Are you sure?_

 

**_← He looked like a student. Never seen him before. I don’t want to talk about this Matt._ **

 

_→ Dude_

_→  Dude_

_→  ur living a porn fantasy lol_

_→  ok so if u haven’t seen him before he’s probably not in our dept._

 

_← **So?**_

 

_→ fair game duh_

 

The last text left him feeling scandalized. As a professor on campus, it would be _wildly_ inappropriate to have a romantic or sexual relationship with any student. He knew that and he thought Matt knew that too.

 

**_← I don’t think so_ **

 

Maybe the appeal was in the taboo, but he had finally gotten tenure and didn’t feel like losing it. Thankfully, Matt went quiet, probably because he was teaching. Slowly, his class trickled down until the last few students turned in their tests at the end of the two hours. Shiro collected the stack, shoved them in a folder, and headed back to his office to grab his coat and wallet. He had a two hour break and it was time for an early lunch.

By 10:30 the main mess hall was closed for lunch preparation, but the Lion’s Den was open, so Shiro made his way to the smaller cafeteria to buy a wrap. The place was deserted, which made for quick service and Shiro bought a chicken wrap to go. Everything was fine until the doors opened and the _fucking guy_ walked inside.

Shiro forced himself to not stare, quickly picking a spot on the wall to look at instead. The grill man still working on his wrap told the young man he’d be a moment. Shiro felt his stomach fall through his butt when he heard him speak.

“I don’t know what I want anyway, take your time, Tony.” His voice was deeper than Shiro expected and he felt it in his dick.  

"Here ya go, man.”

Fuck. He was staring again.

“Sorry,” Shiro muttered and sheepishly accepted the offered styrofoam box. Food in hand and the door only feet away, he felt freedom almost wash over him… and then they made eye contact.

Accidental, but still eye contact.

The guy’s eyes were purple and Shiro couldn’t bring himself to look away. He knew his face was turning pink again and he tried to quickly sidestep so he wasn’t in the way. Sidestepping meant jamming his hip into a table, which meant a few expletives. In Japanese.

“You okay?” the beautiful, gorgeous, purple-eyed young man asked him.

The only thing he managed was a node and then it was time to flee. He didn’t look back – he _couldn’t_. If lavender eyed Crisis was watching, Shiro was convinced he’d have a coronary. The walk back to his office felt long and cold, and by the time he was sitting he couldn’t forget purple eyes and deep beautiful voices.


	2. Chapter 2

A week went by and Shiro did not see the bane of his entire existence at the cafe or any other place on campus. Despite being glad he was free from feeling like a terrible person for crushing on a possible student, Shiro couldn’t stop thinking about him either. He wanted to know where he was and what classes he was currently taking. It became so prevalent in his mind, he had a hard time focusing on work, which Matt said was a sign he  _ desperately _ needed to be laid. 

Matt, once again, wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t had sex in months, maybe even a year. He couldn’t even remember his last hookup, but being busy with an entire department, students, bills, writing papers and applying for grants, research, writing lectures, traveling – it all played a huge role on his pitiful romantic and sex life.

Which was why he was sitting in the library staring at Tinder and debating on downloading the app just to see what kind of people he could meet. Of course, he was certain Tinder was mostly for straight people, but he supposed a few right swipes wouldn’t hurt.

 

_ Takashi Shirogane | 37 | California _ __  
_ Hi! I’m Takashi Shirogane, you can call me Shiro. I teach astrophysics and occasionally Japanese Culture Studies. I don’t know what kinds of things you put here lol I’ve never done this before.  _ __  
_  
_ __ If you have questions, just feel free to ask. 

 

Complete with a recent picture Matt had taken of him, Shiro took a deep breath and dived into starting to go through matches. He’d put he was interested in men, but from most of the profiles he found, he was sure they were only interested in women. Didn’t stop him from swiping on men he found attractive or their bios were interesting. Why men kept putting their heights in their description, he wasn’t sure but made a mental note to put his own in the bio section just in case. 

Most of the profiles he passed on – they were too crude or clearly stated they were only interested in meeting women. Two more swipes to the left and Shiro almost dropped his phone. His eyes widened slightly as he saw who was staring back at him on the screen. There was absolutely no mistaking those eyes.

 

_ Keith Kogane | 26 | California _

 

_ Don’t click. Just swipe left. Swipe left.  _

He clicked. 

Keith’s profile bio was fairly short, but it made his heart thump hard in his chest and the back of his neck began to sweat.

 

_ gay • i like cats & rock n roll • artist • i don’t do hookups so swipe ← if that’s ur thing  _

 

Shiro clicked on Keith’s photos, slowly scrolling through them before deciding to swipe right. He was twenty-six, at least, that’s what his profile said, which put Shiro slightly at ease. Maybe Keith was a grad student, not that that made the idea of him sleeping with a student any better. He also didn’t do hookups, which Shiro liked and respected. While he wanted to have sex, meeting a partner was more important to him than rolling around in bed with a random he met online. 

After swiping on Keith’s profile, Shiro set his phone aside to focus on finishing writing up an email about Friday’s class. He was cancelling it because the weather was going to be beautiful for a January Friday and while that wasn’t really an  _ excuse _ to cancel class, he knew after the insane week his class had had with the hard course material they were going over, he felt the need to give back. Plus, he wanted to get out of class, too.

“Hey, loser.” 

Shiro glanced over to see Matt sliding into the seat opposite him in the small booth he was using near the windows on the third floor. “Matthew,” he replied calmly, still typing away. 

Matt grinned and set his bag beside Shiro’s on the table. For a while, they were quiet with Matt on his phone and Shiro writing up the class email. Then, Shiro saw Matt lean over the table and it made him look away to see what had piqued Matt’s interest. 

“What?” Shiro asked. 

“Someone… matched with you on…  _ Tinder _ ?” Matt laughed, almost delighted, as he shoved Shiro’s phone back into his hands. “Open it, who did you match with? Didn’t even know you were on Tinder.” 

“It’s  _ new _ ,” Shiro replied sharply as he opened his phone slowly to look over the notification. He attempted to tilt his phone away from Matt as he waited for the app to load. The idea that it  _ could _ be Keith set him off to the point where he could feel his back sweating. If Keith had matched him… 

“Well?” Matt asked with a huge grin. 

_ Troy matched with you! Say hi _ . 

Shiro’s shoulders slumped. Not Keith. “No one,” he said, immediately uninterested and set his phone aside. 

“Clearly not  _ no one _ , but also not…  _ someone _ you were hoping?” Matt asked slowly. 

Not answering seemed like the best option, so Shiro kept his mouth firmly shut, even as his mind traipsed back to the picture of Keith on his profile. Purple, sharp eyes staring at the camera, pretty lips lifted in the slightest of smirks. Dark hair framing his sharp face that Shiro was certain could cut through glass. The image floated around in every synapse of his brain and he was suddenly no longer able to type on his computer because it was all consuming. He swallowed a lump that tasted like lust and he was suddenly glad he’d canceled Friday’s lecture. 

Matt tapped his wrist and Shiro startled, looking at him in surprise. He’d forgotten Matt was even at the table. The frown on Matt’s face was almost too concerned, “You… Are you doing okay? You kinda got all rigid.”

“I’m fine,” he said, again, his tone too sharp. “I just need to get away, which is why I’m canceling Friday’s classes.” 

“ _ You _ , canceling class? No way. Man, this kid’s got you by the fucking balls, don’t he? You never cancel class.” 

It was true. Shiro hardly ever canceled classes, unless there was an emergency or the weather was just too bad to come to campus. But he never canceled  _ just _ because he didn’t feel like teaching. Friday had been a library day anyway, and while he knew most of his students would take the opportunity to start their weekends early, Shiro also knew a few of them would still do their work regardless. 

“It’s supposed to be nice on Friday,” Shiro replied sensibly. 

“You don’t cancel because it’s going to be  _ nice _ outside. You avoiding the guy or are you hoping to  _ find _ the guy on social media or something?” Matt slid his glasses off of his nose and began to wipe them off with his shirt. “You should just talk to him, ask him what classes he has or something. Hell, at least get his name then you can look him up in the student directory if it’s bugging you so bad.” 

_ The student directory _ . 

The lightbulb went off in his head as soon as Matt gave him the answer key. It was genius and maybe slightly invasive, but it was campus knowledge. Plus, he now had Keith’s first and last name. The directory loaded very slowly, but once it finally pulled up Shiro typed in  _ Kogane, Keith _ and then waited as it searched. 

And searched. 

And  _ searched _ . 

_ 0 results _

He frowned and checked the spelling, hit enter again, but still goose egg. He supposed Kogane may not have been his real last name, but since it was linked by Facebook, Shiro doubted Keith had lied about his name. 

“Have you heard of Keith Kogane?” Shiro asked Matt, wondering if maybe Matt recognized the name. 

“Kogane?” Matt parroted as he thought it over. “Kogane… Kogane…. Hmmm… I don’t think so, why?” 

“I might have found him on Tinder… and I just… he didn’t pull up in the directory,” Shiro said abashedly. His face flushed red at the admission. 

“You found him on Tinder?” Matt asked, a laugh quickly chasing the question. “Did you swipe right? Nevermind, of course you did. Well, if he didn’t show up in the student directory,  _ maybe _ he’s not a student after all. Check faculty.”   
  


Shiro didn’t believe Keith was faculty, he’d never seen a faculty member dress like Keith before and Keith seemed so  _ young _ , but he pulled up the faculty directory and searched for the name anyway. 

_ Kogane, Keith _

Search. 

_ 1 Result.  _

The link with Keith’s name was highlighted in red, so he knew there was information within his profile on the faculty directory. Despite his surprise, Shiro licked the link and waited for Keith’s profile to load.

_ Keith Kogane teaches CORE Painting and Drawing for incoming freshman. Kogane is a painter and traditional visual artist, working in large-scale paintings and drawings. His work is figurative in nature, often dealing with identity, place, and home.  BFA in drawing and painting at Rhode Island School of Design, 2014; MFA in studio art at University of California, Los Angeles, 2016.  _

“You doing okay over there?” Matt asked. “You’re staring at your computer so hard, you’re about to go cross-eyed.” 

“He  _ does _ teach here,” Shiro whispered, still a bit stunned. “He’s not a student.” 

Relief flooded Shiro’s body so hard he almost collapsed forward on the table. The idea that he’d been crushing on a student had left him panicked and sick to his stomach. But Keith  _ wasn’t _ a student, he was a professor. A new professor, but still a professor. 

“ _ Good _ . Now quit worrying and ask him out.” 

“I can’t just  _ ask _ him out, that isn’t–. Matt, let me deal with this.” He didn’t mean to put his foot down and whip out the Department Head Voice, but sometimes it was a necessary evil.

“Fine, fine. Continue being on your self-inflicted dry-spell. You  _ do _ realize men would line up outside your door for a chance to sleep with you, right?” Matt grabbed his back and gave him some finger guns. “Just keep  _ that _ in mind.” 

One day, Matt was going to be wrong and Shiro was going to rub it in his face, but apparently, today was not the day. Shiro sighed and ran a hand over his face and then taking his glasses off to clean them. The readers were weak and Shiro knew he needed to actually see an optometrist to receive a new prescription, but he hadn’t had the time. Once his glasses were clean, Shiro clicked to send the email out to his class and prepared to head home. He deserved an early day.

_ Bzzt _ . 

_ You have a new match! Swipe to see who it is! _

The time it took him to open the app to view who had matched was embarrassingly fast, and Shiro mentally told himself it  _ wasn’t _ Keith, but he had to check anyway. What if was Keith, what would he even say to the guy? It couldn’t be Keith. It wasn’t Keith. Shiro gasped.

_ Keith Kogane matched with you, say hello! _

Flabbergasted didn’t cover how Shiro was feeling. Keith had matched with him, which meant either Keith remembered him as that moron in the Den or he just found him hot. Every part of him was praying it was the latter. He stared at the keyboard, knowing he needed to just say  _ hello _ , but every sentence he thought to put sounded stupid and wrong.

 

→  _ didn’t i see you the other day?  _

 

Okay, or Keith could start the conversation awkwardly for him. 

 

←  **um yes?**

 

_ → right you’re that japaense guy  _

 

That Japanese guy. Shiro rolled his eyes. At least, Keith hadn’t commented on the scar on his face. 

 

←  __ **I’m Takashi Shirogane. You can call me Shiro.**

 

_ → keith _

_ → you were at the coffee shop too right? thought i saw you there _

_ → lol are you stalking me?  _

 

**← No! Wrong place, wrong time. Swear. Not stalking.**

 

God, this conversation was a train wreck. 

 

_ → i was joking sorry  _

_ → your pictures don’t do you justice btw _

  
  


Shiro blushed and realized he was just standing and staring at his phone like a schoolboy with a crush.  _ Pull it together Shirogane and ask him for coffee. Christ.  _

 

**← Would you like to maybe get coffee sometime? My treat.**

 

_ → i was thinking dinner  _

_ → since ik you’re a real person and not a stalker  _

_ → have you ever been to Galaxy Pizza?  _

 

**← I haven’t but I’ve been wanting to try it. Do you want to go there? We could meet up tonight if you didn’t have plans. I’m free all night so you can pick the time.**

 

_ → i have class until 6 but i can swing by after class is over say around 6:30?  _

 

**← Sounds good. I’ll see you at 6:30 Keith**

 

_ → good _

_ → hey, uh, wear your glasses. They look cute on you _

 

Well, if he hadn’t been blushing before he sure as hell would have been blushing now. He also didn’t have the heart to tell Keith the readers he wore weren’t real glasses because he hadn't had a chance to have his eyes checked. He was also in slight denial that he needed glasses at all and just avoided going to the optometrist to have it confirmed. Face red, Shiro gathered his belongings to carry out to his car. He had a few hours to get ready, but he made a mental note to include the glasses in his outfit lineup.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, we mistake like men in this house.

Keith Kogane’s existence was a summation of strange things. He was not a sensible man. He drove a beat up, faded red motorcycle and wore a hand-me-down leather jacket bought at a Goodwill for five bucks. He liked menthol cigarettes with his breakfast cereal, new wave electronica blasted at 3 a.m., and the way children viewed art inside boring museums. 

Keith Kogane, the seemingly opposite to Takashi Shioragne. Yet, they were going on a date – well, except Keith was late. Not usually his nature, but a group of 18-19 year olds sometimes needed hand holding, and he hadn’t told the traffic off of I-75 to back up unexpectedly. Detours needed planning and prior knowledge, so 6:30 turned into 7:10 faster than Keith broke speed limits. 

Galaxy Pizza was busy when he arrived, even for a Thursday night, so snagging a spot on the curb was his only shot at actual parking. He worried Shiro had already left thinking he’d been stood up, but when Keith came inside he scanned the room until he caught sight of a shock of white hair. Shiro sat in the back, corner booth. Mafia seating. His handsome face blank staring out the window on his right, while impatient – metallic? – fingers drummed along the slab of plastic the establishment called a table. 

A deep breath to steady his nerves, Keith crossed over to sit down at the table across from Shiro with a casual grin. “Hey, um, sorry I’m late. Traffic and my class got out late because freshman have a  _ really _ hard time with critiques sometimes. Lots of handholding involved.” 

Shiro seemed to startle out of his own thoughts when Keith sat down heavily. His eyebrows went up and his arms pulled back from the table as if he’d been struck. “Keith,” he said. “Right?”

“Yeah,” Keith said. “C’mon, you saying you don’t recognize me?” Keith asked. “I mean, you stared at me hard enough in the cafe that day. I noticed.” 

Shiro’s face turned bright red and he shoved his glasses up his nose, almost poking himself in the eye. “Oh, uh, I– Well, I’m sorry. You were late and I sort of just got lost in my own thought maze.” He tapped the side of his head with his knuckles. 

“Sorry, again,” he replied. “I’m not usually late. At all.”

“It’s alright, things happen.” 

Once they’d settled the awkward pleasantries away, Keith grabbed a menu to look it over, but also so he could try and stealth check Shiro out. The guy was a mashup of weird clashing stereotypes – really buff Japanese man, but he also wore impeccable suits and nerdy sweater vests. Clean cut, the glasses, but then he also looked as if he could bust a watermelon with his fist. 

Not to mention the metal arm on his right side, the scar along the bridge of his nose, and the hair. A curious enigma Shiro made.

Keith licked his lips a little at the thought. “So, um, what are you feeling like eating? I’ll eat anything, I’m mostly a human garbage disposal,” Keith said, trying to break the ice. 

“I’m mostly a meat kind of guy,” Shiro said with an embarrassed smile. “I have to tell you, Keith, I’m very glad you’re  _ not _ what I thought you were at first.” 

That left him with a lot of questions. Either Shiro thought he was a criminal or a minor, there was hardly ever an in-between. “What did you think I was?” 

Another blush colored Shiro’s sharp cheeks, making the scar on his face stand out more. “Well, I thought you were a student if I’m honest.” 

Close, but no cigar. He laughed. “Really? That’s not the first time I’ve heard that one, but it’s better than I thought, at least. Most people think I’ve just gotten out of jail.” 

“That… seems a bit extreme,” Shiro replied, his eyes roaming over Keith's paint-stained outfit. 

With no time to change, he’d shown up to the date in a Star Wars t-shirt covered in mysterious paint stains and a pair of jeans that had seen better days. Complete with the leather jacket he’d purchased from Goodwill a few years ago and hair a mess from the ride over, Keith knew he didn’t exactly look like  _ dating _ material. 

Shiro, on the other hand, looked deliciously gorgeous. A nicely fitted button up, complete with a gray sweater vest, the glasses, and Keith assumed a pair of slacks. He was too dressed up for Galaxy Pizza, but Keith appreciated the effort regardless.

“I’m used to it,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “So, three meat pizza? Works for me.” Keith set the menu aside and turned his full attention to Shiro. “I don’t like small talk if I’m honest I suck at dates. I have no idea why I said we should get dinner, but um, I also looked you up so I can at least say  _ what the fuck _ man on your two fucking high level degrees. Smart.” 

Shiro chuckled a bit. “It was a lot of work,” he admitted. “But I enjoyed my time at school. I learned a lot.” 

 

“I enjoyed undergrad,” Keith said. “Graduate school was a special kind of hell. I think a doctorate would have killed me.” 

“Wouldn’t have been grad school if it hadn’t been hell,” Shiro pointed out. 

Keith snorted. That was true. Their waitress, Kelly, arrived to take their order and bustle away again. Eyes roaming over Shiro again, Keith wondered if the guy was as hung as he looked. He also wondered why the hell he’d stated on Tinder he didn’t do hookups because he was dying to unwrap Shiro like a damn Christmas gift. 

 

“You’re staring,” Shiro said. His fingers fiddled with an empty straw wrapper and he tended to rock side to side slightly. Nervous tics, Keith assume. 

 

“Sorry. You’re just really hot.” Watching Shiro blush, again, brought a heap of satisfaction. Easily flustered, buff men gave him life. 

“I’m alright,” Shiro responded. 

Humble, easily flustered, buff men gave him even  _ more _ life. “You’re  _ hot _ ,” Keith insisted. 

Shiro coughed and cleared his throat. “Excuse me.” Downcast eyes revealed Shiro had pretty, long, dark eyelashes, and they almost distracted Keith from realizing how Shiro had gone from abashed to uncomfortable. He didn’t know where they’d taken the wrong turn, but guilt lapped at Keith’s ankles regardless. 

Shiro stood up and disappeared under the green, neon  _ Restroom _ sign, leaving Keith to kick himself for being so forward.

The pizza arrived and Shiro remained gone, but Keith didn’t feel right just diving in to eat. At the tantalizing smell of baked crust and cheese, his stomach growled its protest at his attempt to be polite. He glared down at his stomach.  _ It would be rude to eat without him.  _ Going after Shiro felt like a violation of his privacy and their date was already going poorly. So, Keith remained sitting and not eating.

Coming off too strongly or not strongly enough had always been a struggle for Keith. Sometimes, he quickly managed to crawl into bed with strange men and let them spank his ass while fueling their ‘daddy’ fantasies. Other times, he barely spoke a word during a date and never heard from them again. Balance had never been a strong suit, either all in or all out, that was how Keith played the game. 

  
But Shiro felt different. 

Not only was Shiro a fellow colleague, but he seemed an odd mixture of shy and eager. The situation felt delicate and required a steady hand, which ironically as an artist he lacked. Keith sighed and then took a deep breath to chase away his own paranoia and anxieties the longer Shiro stayed away. 

It wasn’t until he began to wonder if Shiro were simply waiting for him to leave, that Shiro returned to the table and sat down slowly. Keith held his tongue and waited for Shiro to speak, despite all of the questions that had created a canyon of confusion between them. 

“I’m sorry, Keith. I know this date isn’t going how I’m sure either of us expected… I know you meant well and I appreciate your compliments.” Shiro paused to pick up the empty straw wrapper between his fingers. 

“But…?” 

A sigh. “But, I have an ugly past that I’d rather not dig into right now on our first outing together… So, let me just apologize profusely for that behavior and for being difficult.” 

Keith opened his mouth to speak and then paused, trying to gather the words. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, Shiro.” 

“You didn’t know.” Shiro seemed to relax after and he picked up a slice of pizza. “Smells good, yeah?” 

He agreed. 

“Still want to be on a date with me?” There was an abashed smile and a shy glance from under Shiro’s bangs. 

Keith nodded and picked up his own slice of pizza. “Hell yeah.” 

 

The aftermath of the date ended with a phone number. Nine perfect digits linking him to a guy Keith still wasn’t quite sure existed in reality or someone he’d dreamed up. Once the rough beginning to the date had died down, Keith had quickly found Shiro fascinating. 

Astrophysicist, top of his classes, well read in a vast array of genres (from Vonnegut to comic books), and secretly (maybe not  _ so _ secretly) Shiro was truly a dweeb. No other way to put it, Shiro had a lot of lame, earnest humor and despite being built like a Greek god, had a lot of awkward moments. Like almost knocking the waitress over or spilling his water on Keith’s lap – his pants were still wet, but he didn’t mind.

He stretched out on the futon he called a bed and listened to the sound of traffic going on late in the evening. A soft smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he thought on their date and how often Shiro smiled. The smile that could cure cancer and brighten even the darkest day. Shiro gave him butterflies in a way a man had never done to him before, no matter how many failed one night stands or dates he’d had. 

_ Bzzt _

Shiro’s name popped across the screen of his phone and Keith practically broke his thumb to swipe the notification open.

 

_ → I know it started rough but would you say yes to a second date?  _

 

Another smile filled Keith’s face and he began to reply. 

 

_ → Oh, this is Shiro btw  _

 

God. He was cute. 

 

**← yeah I would like to go on another date with you**

 

_ → Great! I’ll text you tom. Good night Keith <3  _

 

Not even the heart emoticon but the text symbol.  _ Oh, my God _ , Keith thought, still smiling five miles wide. 

 

**← Good night, Shiro**

 

He couldn’t stop smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, this was a struggle, ao3 kept deleting most of the chapter, so I apologize, I finally got it figured out with some assistance. 
> 
> NSFW ahead

Three day weekends were not in Shiro’s vocabulary; neither were days off, sick days, or holidays. Having a Friday off felt wrong like he was betraying some inner workings of his DNA. Shiro spent the morning believing he’d forgotten something and ended up back on campus in the office at 8:00 like clockwork.

This felt right. This felt good. This-.

“This is a sickness.”

Shiro startled and glanced up from the ambient light of his laptop screen to see Matt standing in the doorway. His eyebrows raised and holding a coffee, Matt slowly walked into the office like it was another dimension. Wondrous and strange.

“What?” Shiro asked innocently.

“ _You_! You took the day  _off_ , don’t you know that means you need to stay home? Shiro,  _go home_.” Matt approached the desk to give him a firm look as if he'd suddenly turned into the father Shiro had never had growing up.

“I can come in if I want,” he replied, realizing in hindsight how much he sounded like a petulant teenager. “What if a student needs me?” On the inside, he realized he sounded ridiculous. Matt always accused him of being a workaholic and it was probably (definitely) true.

“You’re not their dad! No matter how many students refer to you as  _space daddy_  on Twitter.”

He sighed. “Matt, I know I’m not– Wait, _what_?!”

“I’m just saying you really need to go home.”

Still hung up on the whole  _space daddy_ thing, he just stammered emptily, trying to wrap his brain around the idea. “Can– Can we please go back to that Twitter thing?”

“You didn’t know that? Yeah, just Google the hashtag ‘SpaceDaddy’. Everyone wants you, man.” Matt whipped out his phone and tapped away until he handed it over for Shiro to view.

Shiro glanced at the phone and the very first thing made him blush. A picture someone had taken of him lecturing, with text over the image:  _space daddyyy_  

The caption of the tweet read,  _shove your metal arm up my ass, daddy_.

“Oh my God,” Shiro whispered and continued to scroll through the myriad of tweets wanting to know if his arm contained a vibrator, if he could choke them with his dick, and how he was the hottest professor and DILF on campus.

“The thirst is real, my friend,” Matt said gravely.

“What’s a D-I-L-F?” Shiro asked.

“Dad I’d like to fuck. Like a MILF- Don’t you watch porn?”

He shouldn’t have asked. “Christ, I don’t even _have_ kids!” He sat back and rucked up his hair in distress. “And why do people think my arm has a vibrator in it?! That’s not its purpose.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a popular theory,” Matt mused. He took the phone back and continued to scroll and smirk. “Man, you’re practically viral. All these randoms wanna have you ride their faces. Some people just want you to shove your arm through their chest and kill them.”

“ _Why_?!”

Matt shrugged. “Beats me. Personally, I don’t see your appeal. No offense.”

Shiro slid his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why– No. _How_ did you know any of this?” Maybe it was better he didn’t know how Matt knew about this trend, but he had to ask.

The grin that flashed across Matt’s face reminded him of when they’d been preparing for the GRE in undergrad. The rumor of a party had been so tantalizing and when Matt had asked him if he’d wanted to go and say  _fuck studying_ he’d been wearing the same grin. It had been a massive mistake back then and Shiro had a sense of dread he’d just become the cat killed by curiosity.

“Well, I think it started last year,” Matt said. He took a seat in a chair opposite Shiro’s desk. “Some girl in my glass whispering about you being hot – nothing new – and then I heard the words ‘space’ and ‘daddy’ strung together in a way I knew God had never intended. It blew up from there.”

“You find this amusing? This could ruin my reputation.” Shiro leaned back further in his chair until it threatened to tip. There were so many questions running through his mind, but there was nothing to put into words.

“I mean it’s just a meme, as the kids say,” Matt said. “It’ll either die out or Buzzfeed will be contacting you any day now. Take it as a compliment. People thirsting over your metal arm across the globe.”

“I don’t _want_ people across the globe ‘thirsting’ for me, Matt.” Shiro took a deep breath to ease the tension building in his shoulders. Matt was partially right at least – again. “You know, the amount of times you’ve been right this week is grating on my damn nerves.”

Matt winked and stood up. “I’m always right. Now,  _go home_. If I come back here after class and see you…”

“Yes, I know.”

Another dubious look from Matt and he was alone again. The silence felt crushing and not even the quiet hum of the building’s heating system felt comforting. The meme as Matt called it, while on the surface seemed harmless, quickly twisted and turned ugly in Shiro’s overactive mind. He thought on undergrad and Sendak and pain. Why being called space daddy brought him _there,_ he didn’t know. The memories left him sweaty and cold until he had no choice but to leave the confines of his office. Didn’t bring anything except his keys to lock the door. Then running.

Running to escape the memories. Running to forget. Running from the brewing panic attack. Running until his lungs burned and he had to finally stop and breathe. Shiro pressed his palms to his knees as he struggled to reclaim a normal breathing pattern. He stood on the sidewalk for a while, just struggling to breathe, until he realized he had ended up outside of the art department.

Subconscious desires.

He stood outside for a few more minutes, debating on going inside or just leaving. In the end, subconscious desires overrode his fear of seeming like a stalker. The door opened onto a large, open, high ceilinged, multi-windowed atrium with dark flooring. Artwork of all types, paintings, sculptures, photographs, posters, video, and other pieces Shiro couldn’t categorize, were strategically placed throughout the room.  Piqued interest made Shiro take his time to examine each piece. They were all student work from what he could garner from the placards. With every piece examined, Shiro felt blown away by the talent from each artist and regretted not coming to the art department sooner.

He wandered the halls, trying not to disturb any classes and then a familiar voice led him down to the back of the building. A large double door stood open leading to a studio filled with windows, students, canvases, and one Keith Kogane standing precariously on a stool in the middle of the room, attempting to reach an outlet hanging from the ceiling. Rock music played from somewhere within the studio. A group of students stood around Keith with mixed emotions from worry to laughter.

“Do not – try this – at home – kids,” Keith grunted, still continuously tipping higher to reach the pulley just out of reach.

“You’re going to break your face,” a student said, her voice tinged with fear.

Keith  _laughed_ and eased back until he stood steadily on the stool again, hands on his hips. Shiro leaned against the doorframe to watch. Keith was beautiful; possibly the most beautiful man he’d ever had the pleasure of knowing (dating?). He couldn’t bring himself to stop watching until Keith’s students began to notice him, which in turn, brought Keith’s attention his way.

“Dr. Shirogane, perfect timing.” Keith climbed down with help and gestured for him to come into the room. “You’re tall, can you reach that?”

Being called out by Keith – beautiful, edges like sharp, prismatic glass Keith – of course, caused a blush to sprout across his cheeks. He nodded as words died on a tongue weighed down by lead and a violet gaze.

“Great. Thank you.”

The group of students fell back as he entered the room and Keith offered a hand to boost him onto the stool. Campus normally felt more like home than the house he’d bought last year, but being in Keith’s domain made him feel like an invader. It didn’t help when Keith's students stared at him with wide eyes, especially when he carefully ascended onto the stool.

“Now, if you fall and die, you did this willingly,” Keith pointed out.

Shiro glanced down at him and saw there was a smirk in Keith’s eyes. A joke. He’d have to keep on his toes to stay in line with Keith’s humor. He reached up and pulled the plug down until Keith was able to reach it with triumphant applause around the room.

“ _Thank_ you,” Keith said, handing the outlet to the student who had needed it. He also helped Shiro down off the stood, his hands firm and guiding until Shiro was back on the ground.

Shiro blushed further, his eyes locked on Keith’s hands, where they rested on his hip and bicep. God, Keith was either going to send him to the ER or to the bathroom to hide his massive boner. “Sorry to just stop by without asking. I, um, was just in the area.”

“It’s okay,” Keith replied with a swift smile. “My office is right there if you want to go hang out. I’ll be there in a minute.” Keith pointed to a tiny room that was barely a closet, but Shiro nodded, and slowly stepped out of Keith’s touch to go the room labeled OFFICE.

The door stood ajar to reveal the cramped space filled with one desk, many bookshelves, and two chairs. No room for anything else. The bookshelves contained books on art, photography, human anatomy, painting, anime, and a few fiction novels. Keith’s desk was cluttered with papers, his laptop, and a small speaker where his phone stood docked. Keith’s space felt rushed but steady, filled with crates of records and books stacked in corners, and other items that Shiro didn’t quite know what they were for, but everything seemed so like Keith.

Despite its small size, Shiro liked Keith’s office. He almost liked it better than his own as he took a seat in the chair across from Keith’s desk to wait. His office sometimes felt too big, like he shouldn’t have a space so large dedicated just to him when there were other professors on campus who needed spaces far larger.

“Hey,” Keith said as he came in and shut the door. “Thanks for earlier, I hate when they put those fuckers up so high you can’t fucking reach them without using a ladder.”

“My pleasure,” Shiro said. He looked Keith over, taking note of the paint-splattered jeans and a faded black t-shirt, the hair always in a ponytail and gloves on his hands. Everything about Keith made Shiro melt inside. “I didn’t mean to come down here and interrupt your class.”

“Eh, it’s okay, if you hadn’t come I'd probably be in an ambulance right now.” Keith sat down on the edge of his desk, almost cramping Shiro’s space so much, Shiro had to lean back to look up at him. “So, how do you like the office? I mean, it’s more of a closet than an office, but they gave it to me, so at least there’s that.”

“It’s nice. I like it. Honest.” Shiro had to mentally remind himself that Keith’s students were on the other side of that door and could easily walk in on them and to keep his hands to himself. Besides, they hadn’t even kissed yet, because he’d been too shy to kiss Keith good night after their date, even though he regretted that now.

“You can call it a shithole, it’s okay, I won’t get offended.”

“But it’s not… It’s very you.”

“So, did you come down here to tell me about our second date?” Keith asked. He finally stood up and went to sit on the chair behind his desk, leaving Shiro with some breathing room.

“Did– Did you want to discuss it now?”

“Sure, why not?”

Shiro took a deep breath. “Alright, well, what are you doing after class?”

“Oooh, spontaneous, I like it.” Keith’s devilish smirk made Shiro’s spine tingle. “Do you want an honest answer or should I lie to you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, it’s Friday, and this is my only class, so usually after class, I get my shit, I go home, I jerk off, and then I go back to bed for a few hour because it’s fucking early and I’m tired.”

The image that immediately sprang to mind of Keith masturbating left him breathless; Keith sprawled across his bed, cock in hand, legs spread, as he moaned and whined desperately… It was a very  _vivid_  image and he realized too late he was hard and there was nothing he could do to make that go away. Keith noticed, too, from the eyebrow he raised.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro whispered with an attempt to cover his growing arousal. Keith licked his lips and left them shiny and wet.  _Fuck_.

“Maybe I was too descriptive,” Keith muttered, but his eyes wouldn’t leave Shiro’s lap. “Look, I got a class out there full of students, and while I would  _love_  to get on my knees and give you a fucking blowjob right now, I can’t, because I’m teaching. So, uh, I’m gonna step back out there and take a second to breathe… and um… you can… take care of that. If you want. In here.”

Shiro blinked a few times and realized Keith had just told him to jerk off in his office. “You want me to-  _Keith_!” He stared at the other man in shock, completely scandalized. “I can’t just– I can’t–.”

Keith stood up and grabbed Shiro’s jaw between his fingers to tilt his head up, leaning down so close they could have kissed. “That’s what you want though, right, Dr. Shirogane? You want to sit in my office and touch yourself because you know you could get caught in theory, but you know I’m right outside to keep someone from finding out. But I’ll know. I’ll know what you’re doing.”

Shiro melted right into the chair and under Keith’s gaze and touch. His cheeks darkened and then Keith walked out of his office and shut the door again. The only remnant of Keith was the scent of pine and acrylic paint. He glanced down at his erection and felt his body  _throb_  with the desire to obey an order. The majority of his lovers had never known how to handle him, he’d always been the one to give orders, even though he’d never quite felt right doing it.

But  _Keith_.

Keith saw right through his facade and apparently knew exactly which buttons to push. They hadn’t kissed, but Keith wanted him to jerk off in his office. The embarrassment made him feel hot and achy all over and he realized too late how aroused his body had become. There was only one way to calm down from this and Shiro knew it didn’t involve trying to think of something gross because his mind was on a loop thinking about Keith.

 _What the hell am I doing_? Shiro thought before he practically ripped his fly open to get his cock in hand to jerk off quickly. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d masturbated, so his cock was hot, hard, and ready to spurt like he was sixteen again. Shiro panted and gasped, shoving his shirt into his mouth to keep from being loud or suspicious. Keith’s office quickly smelled of sex and sweat, while Shiro’s cock became slick with precome, but not  _enough_ , so the friction made his cock burn.

Shiro could hear the bustle of the students out in the classroom and Keith talking, even though he couldn’t focus on what was being said. Keith’s voice was enough to make him come and he spilled over his hand and along his stomach and chest with a moan into the fabric of his shirt. His body became jello afterward and he eased into the chair, legs sprawled, and the shirt slipped from his mouth, along with a bit of drool. Embarrassment kept him flushed, while he tried to focus on controlling his breathing. His cock limp and spent, made him feel a tinge of shame; he’d just masturbated in public for a guy he barely knew.

Shame filed his entire core and Shiro quickly fixed his clothes, despite how sensitive his cock had become. Tissues on Keith’s desk helped clean up the mess, but he had to leave the office so he didn’t have to keep breathing in the scent of sex and musk. He opened the office door and went to go back into the hallway, trying to ignore the attention he was gathering from the students, and dear God, did he hope that they were clueless to what had just transpired.

 _So worried about your reputation, but you jerk off on campus in an adjunct’s office. The fuck is wrong with you, Shirogane? No guy is that hot_.

“Shiro?” Keith appeared then in the hallway with him, his hand touching his shoulder tentatively. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t believe I just did that,” he whispered, still in shock. “I shouldn’t have done that…. I really shouldn’t have done that. What if I’d been caught. What if–.”

“ _Shiro_.” Keith walked around until they were face to face and could look each other in the eye. Shiro made himself smaller so Keith didn’t have to tilt his head back as much. “Listen to me, you’re okay. No one knows, just us. I’m sorry if I made you do something you didn’t want to do, I just thought…. You come off as someone who really wants to be told what to do.”

Shiro blushed at the implication because it was  _true_ , even though most of the men he dated had no idea. “I do,” he whispered. “You didn’t  _make_ me do anything. I just– I haven’t done something like this in a long,  _long_  time, and it was just a lot to handle.”

Keith’s face softened. “Well, we can talk about it later, yeah? On our second date.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little soon? I haven’t even kissed you yet and here we are discussing–.” Shiro cut off because Keith was leaning up to kiss him once firmly on the lips. “...kinks.” He stared at Keith with a surprised, owlish gaze, while Keith smirked up at him.

“There is no  _too soon_  when it comes to kinks. Trust me on this.” Keith kissed him one more time, still leaving Shiro floored. “I’ll text you after class. Maybe we can go somewhere. Sound good?”

He nodded dumbly.

“Good. Now, go clean yourself up.”

Again, words failed him, so he just nodded his head like a bobblehead. Keith smirked, patted his cheek, and then went back to class. Shiro gulped and he could hear students pestering Keith soon after.  _Is he your boyfriend? Are you guys together? Is he good in bed_?

“Fuck,” Shiro whispered, touching his lips where Keith had kissed him. Keith Kogane was something else and Shiro had a feeling he was either going to fucking die because of his kid or be the happiest man on earth.

He really hoped for the latter.


	5. Chapter 5

Picking out sheets was not normally considered a sexy or thrilling activity by any means. In fact, for all intents and purposes, picking out sheets should be a boring activity. Rated M for Mundane and T for Tedious. Unless your name is Takashi Shirogane, then you can make anything look hot and interesting, apparently.

Goddamn, Keith really liked watching Shiro pick out sheets.

“I’m sorry, I _know_ this is not what you had in mind when you said you wanted to hang out,” Shiro apologized for the second time.

On the contrary, this was close to what he’d had in mind, and even if that were a lie, this was better than any preconceived idea Keith had in his mind. It had started with Keith finishing up class and playing verbal dodgeball with his students to avoid the onslaught of questions regarding the buff, 6’5”, gorgeous man in his office earlier.

_Is he your boyfriend?_

_Are you guys dating?_

_Did you see his arm??_

_I think he’s in the science department._

_I had my intro astrology class with him, he’s really nice, and dorky._

_Are you hitting that? I would._

Keith dodged the personal questions, only admitting to being friends, but he would have been an idiot if he believed they had believed his story. After chasing them out of the painting studio, Keith had gone to his tiny office and breathed in the musky scent Shiro left behind.

_He jerked off in here because you told him to_.

A satisfied grin filled Keith’s face. Large men with a penchant to obey gave him a thrill nothing else could. Not even doing 90 on the freeway sent his gut flipping like men who took orders eagerly. The clock on his desk ready 11:05 and Keith could feel his stomach growling. He picked up his phone to shoot Shiro a text.

← _hey class is over and I’m starving, want to get food w me?_

He didn’t have to wait long.

→ **Hey! I’m at Target. Sorry they’re having a sale on linens and I needed to do something. Do you want to meet me here? We can decide on food when you get here. If that’s ok.**

Target. Linen sale. How _adult_ . Eighteen year old Keith was laughing and rolling his eyes as he grabbed another Redbull and watched anime porn for the umpteenth time, but twenty-six year old Keith found the idea of watching Shiro shop for linens strangely endearing. _You’re maturing_.

← _sure the one off of Garrison Ave?_

→ **Yeah! Aisle 10 :)**

← _ok see u soon_

Keith stared at his phone for a minute before deciding to run home, shower, and change into something not covered in gesso and paint. Opting for black skinnies and a red cut off tank top he’d screen-printed I BELIEVE back in undergrad, Keith hoped he didn’t resemble a trash goblin with rags for clothes. No time to turn on a blowdryer, so Keith tied his hair up in a ponytail and hoped the wind did the rest.

“Where are _you_ going?”

Damn. So close.

Keith froze by the front door and tried not to roll his eyes over Lance being nosey. “Not your business,” Keith said and turned around to face Lance – and Pidge. “Tag teaming me? When I clock one of you out, the other jumps in?”

Pidge shook her head. “I was just on my way upstairs.”

“ _Well_?” Lance asked and raised one well-manicured eyebrow.

“I have to go, Lance.” Keith dodged Lance’s question and walked out of the apartment in a hurry. He really needed to move out and get his own place, but rent was impossible on his own. Before Lance could attempt to follow, Keith rushed out to his bike and took off sans helmet for the Target near campus.

Traffic was light, even for a Friday, and Keith soon found himself approaching Shiro in aisle 10. He was staring at two packages of sheets, his lip between his teeth, and brow furrowed in concentration. Maybe distress?

“Can’t decide on a color?” Keith asked. Shiro had a set of burgundy in one hand and purple in the other.

A soft smile made Shiro’s eyes crinkle, but Keith wasn’t sure if _he_ caused the smile or the 60% off sale. “You made it.”

Okay, maybe he’d put that smile on Shiro’s face; he wasn’t sure what to do with that information. “Yeah. No traffic.”

Shiro nodded and continued to contemplate solemnly. Cue where they’d started and distressing over Shiro making sheet shopping look hot. His stomach growling unhappily didn’t help. The sound made Shiro look up through the white curtain of hair hanging in his eyes.

Bang.   
He was KO’d. Round over.   
Keith: 0  
Shiro: 1000 points

“You’re hungry,” Shiro said as if he’d just realized this himself. “Right. You said that that’s why you’re here.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.” Keith looked Shiro over hungrily to distract his mind and noticed he’d changed clothes since this morning. Grey sweatpants and a purple Garrison University t-shirt with the logo tight across his chest. Keith appreciated the casual look in comparison to Shiro in a sweater vest. He was also missing his glasses. Subconsciously, Keith licked his lips.

It was a really good look.

“I don’t want to keep you waiting,” Shiro said, but also didn’t pause contemplating either. “But I _can’t_ decide. Too bad you haven’t seen my bedroom.”

Keith snorted out a laugh. “Way to work blue, man.”

“What? No, no! I just meant – you probably know color better than I do. I wasn’t working blue, honestly!” The wide-eyed looked Shiro gave him, complete with blush, made Keith smirk.

“Making me feel cheap,” Keith teased as a response.

“ _I’m_ making _you_ feel cheap?” Shiro tossed both sets of sheets into the red basket on his arm.

At first, Keith laughed, but the laughter died when he considered Shiro might have been serious. Earlier had been fun, but he hadn’t meant for Shiro to feel _bad._  Leaving a bad taste in his partner’s mouth, no matter how brief their interaction, was  _not_ his goal. Ever.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel cheap, if I did,” Keith said slowly. “Sometimes – I just–.” He paused to gather his thoughts. “I might have gone too far earlier.”

A set of pillowcases to match the sheets were added to the basket. “It’s not you. I’m a grown ass adult who should know better. What I did was inappropriate and the reality of that is clouding my initial interest in the act.”

“Maybe campus was not the _best_ place to test my theory out on you,” Keith admitted. “I pegged you for a guy who likes to be ordered around, but I shouldn’t have brought it out this morning.”

“How did you get that from two botched interactions and one mediocre date?” Shiro laughed and started to walk toward the cashier.

Well, that hurt. “You– you thought our date was mediocre?”

“ _No_ .” Shiro turned another alarmed look on him. “I’m not being very articulate, I apologize. No, I was saying _I_ was mediocre. Not you. God, not you.”

“Oh.” Keith felt a brief moment of relief but then had to wonder who had put the idea of mediocrity into Shiro’s head because he was far from mediocre. “I guess to answer your question, you just give off that vibe.”

“Huh.” Shiro huffed and stood in the self-checkout lane with Keith at his side. “I guess we really should talk about that stuff then. What do you want for lunch? My treat.”

“Um… There’s an Applebee’s in the parking lot,” Keith said with a shrug. “I’m not that picky. I’ll eat anything. If you said we were going to go to your place and eat packaged ramen noodles, I’d say ‘cool’.”

" _Packaged_ – oh, no, no.” Shiro shook his head and approached the available machine to ring out his sheets. “God, no. Packaged ramen, at least the stuff I’m sure you eat, is _awful_. I’ll have to make you real ramen with all of the fixings sometime. It’s much different _and_ it’s actually good.”

“Sounds like I pushed a button.”

“I’m Japanese,” Shiro replied. “I know how to make _good_ ramen because my grandfather taught me growing up.”

Keith perked up at the mention of a backstory. This was the first time Shiro had spoken about his past that didn’t involve the degrees he currently had. “Were you raised by your grandfather?”

“Grandparents. Myself and my brother,” Shiro said and slid his card through the reader.

“You have a brother?”

“Yes.”

The thought of Shiro having a brother was wild and interesting. Older? Younger? Twins? _Oh my god, if he’s a twin I’ll fucking kill myself_. _That’s too much hotness for one family_. “What’s he like?”

They walked out of the Target together, where Keith followed Shiro to his – Prius? He almost laughed seeing the guy drove a Prius, but he supposed they were good for people who were gas conscious. Even if the idea of Shiro folding into a tiny car was also hilarious.

“His name is Kuron.”

“Older? Younger?”

“He’s my twin,” Shiro said and dropped his sheets into the trunk of his car. Keith stared at Shiro in shock and felt a _lot_ shook. He did have a fucking twin. Shiro picked up on it and turned an amused smirk his way. “Surprised there’s another guy walking around who looks like me?”

“Uh– I mean, yeah,” Keith said, a little dazed. “Where does he live?” _Don’t say here. Don’t say here. I don’t know if I can control my lizard brain if you say here_.

“He lives a few hours from here,” Shiro said and shut the trunk with a firm thunk. “He’s an artist, like you.”

“He is?”

“He does a lot of jewelry making from stuff he finds out in the desert areas. You’d like him.” Shiro smiled and leaned against his car casually, arms crossed over his chest. “We spend holidays together and there is a pretty distinct difference between us, considering he’s not missing an arm. He also keeps his hair long, but we both have this.” Shiro touched the white part of his hair.

The long-haired version of Shiro liked to make jewelry and lived in the desert. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck? Soulmates? Is he my soulmate? Shit_. “He sounds interesting,” Keith admitted.

Shiro sighed and nodded in a resigned, sad way. “I can get you his number. He’s single.”

“Uh– Wait, _what_? I thought we were… Dating. Sorta…” Not that he’d say no to a casual fling with Kuron if whatever he and Shiro were doing didn’t pan out.

“I saw your face. You’ve got the ‘Kuron is the more intriguing twin’ face. I know it well.” Shiro looked sad and Keith felt extremely guilty for  _making_ Shiro look like a kicked puppy. “He’d like you, too, you’re his type.”

“Hey.” Keith reached out and touched Shiro’s shoulder to gain his focus. “I don’t want your brother’s number. I have your number and _we_ are going on a second date. Right now. I appreciate the thought and all, but I don’t need his number.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.”

The dubious look Shiro gave him broke Keith’s heart, and he mentally made a note to make Shiro feel appreciated, and to stop thirsting after Kuron when he didn’t _know_ the guy. “Alright. So, the Applebee’s then?”

“Sounds good. Maybe they'll have a half off apps thing for lunch.” Keith turned to go back to his bike, parked not a few spaces away from Shiro’s Prius and sat down to wait. He needed to learn to control his emotions and thoughts better; clearly, someone in Shiro’s past had made him feel really bad about himself, but Keith didn’t want to keep nurturing that behavior.

The Applebee’s wasn’t busy at all, practically empty when they were sat down in a booth away from the bar and other people. Keith wasn’t sure if it was a snub about them being two gay men out on a date or if they were being nice and giving them privacy. He wanted to opt for the latter, but from the look on the girl’s face, it had to be the former.

“Did we just get put in the corner?” Shiro asked when they sat down to look over the menu. He snorted. “I don’t remember the last time I was shamed for being out with a man so blatantly.”

“I think we did. Whatever. We get privacy, think of it that way.” Keith smiled and flipped the menu open.

“You know, you’re the first guy I’ve been with in a while who didn’t just assume I wanted to be, the big mean top, so I’m still confused as to how you just _knew_. You said I have a vibe, but if that were true, I don’t see how my other dates didn’t pick up on that.” Shiro set his menu down flat on the table and stared at him with an intense look that left Keith slightly uncomfortable.  

“Did you date tiny twinks who clearly only want to be pillow princesses?” Keith replied. “Because if you thought I was one of them, you’re so fucking wrong. First of all,” Keith held up one finger, “I’m not a twink. I work out. Clearly. Secondly,” he held up another finger, “I’m not a pillow princess. I bottom occasionally, usually for men with daddy complexes, but I always end up in control.”

Shiro visibly shuddered. “I see.”

“Turns you on, doesn’t it?” A dark smirk flashed over Keith’s features and he glanced back down at the menu.

“I suppose it does…” Shiro trailed off and stared at his menu, but Keith could tell he wasn’t really reading it. His mind was elsewhere. “Keith, there’s stuff about me you don’t know, and I don’t want to bring up unless you’re considering us becoming slightly more serious than we are now. I know it’s only our second date and asking you to think on us being exclusive is probably too soon, but if we’re already diving into sex, I think this conversation is important to have.”

“The conversation about stuff I don’t know about yet?”

“Yes.”

“Oh…” He paused to take a deep breath. “I mean, I’m listening if you want to talk.”

“It’s… _a lot_ to take on,” Shiro started slowly. “I really don’t want to get into it…”

“Then don’t.” Keith slid his hand across the table and touched the back of Shiro’s hand lightly. “I won’t _make_ you talk about something you’re not ready to discuss.”

“Just… know that it has to do with one of my exes.” Shiro sighed heavily like the world weighed five hundred pounds on his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I know I have a lot of strange behavior and you’re probably questioning why you’re even agreeing to date me.”

Keith shook his head. “I’m not.”

“Well, you will. Trust me.”

There was a pause between them where Shiro didn’t say anything and Keith wasn’t sure _what_ to say, only broken by their waitress coming over to take their drink and food orders. She was nice and offered up a charming smile and witty banter. They both ordered wildly different things – Keith a cheeseburger and Shiro the mac and cheese with chicken tenders – and then she was on her way again, leading them back into silence.

“So, um-,” Keith started, but Shiro rushed to cut him off, everything coming out in one breath.

“When it comes to sex, I think we should take it slowly and I would appreciate it if you respected that, despite today’s endeavor, I’m not mad about what happened or resent you or anything, but I would like to take it a lot slower from here.” Shiro looked at him and the expression was a mixture of shyness and shame. Keith didn’t know what Shiro’s prior ex had done, but he wanted to kick the guy in the balls.

“Sure,” Keith said. “I don’t mind taking it slow. That’s fine. Again, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable.”

“Thank you for understanding, Keith. Really… I appreciate it.” Shiro smiled and Keith felt better about everything. The smile was so sweet and genuine, it made Keith’s heart feel full and warm.

“Can we still kiss? I liked kissing you earlier…”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” He ducked his head and ran a hand along the back of his neck. Silence returned, but then Shiro made a comment and Keith realized in a panic he’d missed it because he’d been thinking about Shiro’s lips. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Your shirt. Are you an X-Files fan?” Shiro gestured at the tank top Keith had put on this morning. Keith had to look down to remind himself what he’d put on.

“Oh,” he laughed. “Yeah, uh, I do like X-Files, but I made this in undergrad. I took a silk screening class. I had this red t-shirt lying in the bottom drawer and I dragged it to class and then proceeded to cut the sleeves off to make a tank and… Well, you can see the rest.”

“I like it,” Shiro said. He smiled again and Keith continued to melt every single time. Like staring into the sun but better. “It suits you.”

“Thanks.” Finally, Shiro managed to make him blush and he ducked his head one more time to stare at the table shyly. The tables had turned and Shiro chuckled because maybe he understood that, too.

“It’s nice to finally make _you_ blush,” Shiro said with a triumphant tone to his voice. “You always have me so flustered, it’s very frustrating. I’m not used to being this blushy _all_ the time around someone.”

Keith coughed and glanced up at Shiro shyly. “Well, you’re so easily flustered, I just can’t resist.”

“I’m not usually _this_ easily flustered.” Shiro pillowed his cheek along his palm as they waited for their lunch. “May I ask questions about you? I feel as if we talk about me a lot and not about you enough.”

“Sure.”

“I read your bio on the school’s website,” Shiro admitted with a little blush that tinged his cheeks. “It said you went to RISD and UCLA…. Those are very impressive schools, you must be very good at what you do. I’d like to see some of your work sometime.”

“I have a few pieces hanging in the small gallery in the Teleduv building,” Keith said. “I don’t know how often you go to that side of campus since you’re Mr. Science, but um, when you walk into that particular building, there’s a small gallery in the main entrance. I and a few other faculty members have work hanging there.”

“I’ll have to check it out,” Shiro said with a smile. “What is your work usually about? I mean- I suppose it said identity and home?”

“Yes,” Keith said. “I... “ He laughed a little and shook his head. “I guess it’s my turn to say I have baggage that is kind of heavy for the second date. I don’t know if you want to get into that.”

“If you’re okay with it, I'm okay with it.”

Talking about his past was not an easy task. Usually, talking about his past in the system send people running, but Shiro felt open and understanding. Maybe because he also had a dark past he had yet to really divulge into, but Keith didn’t feel as worried about bringing his childhood up around Shiro. Their food arrived, so Keith waited for the waitress to walk away and leave them in peace before starting his story.

“I grew up really poor,” Keith started slowly, eyes on his burger but not eating it. “My mom and dad didn’t have a lot of money and we lived in a really bad area in Arizona. A small house, barely a house actually, and my mom was never really _happy_. I don’t remember much of her, just that she was always sad and lost. My dad drank a lot and then she just left… She left me and I remember standing outside the house and watching for her to come back… I’d wait for hours, but she never came back…. After that, my dad just couldn’t handle it anymore and he– um – he killed himself. I was at school and I came back and I found him in the living room.”

“Oh my God,” Shiro whispered and his hands stilled, putting his fork and knife down immediately. “Fuck, Keith.. I’m so sorry.”

Keith shrugged and tossed his emotions to the wind. He didn’t need or want to cry in public. “It was a long time ago. I was like… seven, I think. I called 911 and they came and picked him up, but since no one could find my mom, I was sent to live in foster homes. I quickly became a ward of the State and I was in and out of homes the rest of my life before eighteen. The shit I had to put up with is a long fucking list.”

“You were abused,” Shiro said slowly, hitting the conclusion without Keith having to spell it out. That was nice.

“Yeah. Pretty badly sometimes… but no one really gives a shit about you when you’re in the system, okay? They just fucking don’t.” Keith paused to take a deep, steadying breath. “Anyway, when I turned sixteen, I managed to find a group home that wasn’t so bad. I mean, it was still the pits, but the guy running it seemed to give a fuck about the kids inside. I buckled down, I focused on school and my art. I’d always been someone who liked to draw and paint, you know to fucking cope with shit, but it became serious then. I got better and I decided to apply for college, even though I didn’t think I had a hope or a chance to get in, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.”

“But you _did_ ,” Shiro said with a soft smile.

“Yeah. I did. I was shocked when I got into several schools with scholarships. When I got my acceptance to RISD, I just started bawling. I knew they were one of the best art schools in the country, maybe even the world, and _I_ had gotten in…” Keith smiled as he reminisced on the feeling. “I went there because they offered me a full ride and I couldn't turn that down and since it was my top school, it was just the cherry on top.”

“How did you afford to get out there?” Shiro asked. “Or any of your supplies?”

“Well, I spent the summer working at a comic book shop in Phoenix. I saved up every cent I could. The guy running the group home, Kolivan, he was nice to me and when it was time for me to move out there, he fucking surprised me with my bike.”

Shiro turned his eyes to the parking lot briefly. “He bought you that motorcycle?”

“Yeah… Said his brother Antok didn’t need it anymore and I was welcome to it and he’d gotten it fixed up so I wouldn't have any issues. I studied, got my motorcycle license, and I moved out to Rhode Island. I didn’t have much, so it was an easy move. When I got to campus, I had my dorm room and I quickly got a job on campus to help buy supplies and other things I needed. It was hard, I won’t lie, painting shit is very expensive, but I managed.” Keith finally picked up his burger to take a quick bite before it became too cold to eat.

“Keith, that’s… such an amazing story,” Shiro said with such genuine kindness. “I’m so impressed by you and proud of you. You’ve come so far.”

Keith blushed again and ducked his head. “People have had it worse than me.”

“That doesn't make your story less impressive and it doesn’t mean you are inferior to other people who have it ‘worse’ than you. You can still be proud of yourself and how far you’ve come, even if someone else has it worse. You’re an amazing person and I feel honored to sit here with you.” Shiro finally picked up his utensils again.

Fuck, Shiro was on a fucking roll with this making him blush thing. “Shut up,” Keith muttered, but there was no bite to his words.

They smiled at one another and continued to eat with casual conversation. They talked about classes and things they both wanted to teach. They talked about students and traded faculty stories. They talked about faculty members they wish would just _shut the fuck up_ and about members of the maintenance crew, they thought deserved a fucking raise for the shit they put up with around campus. The conversation never returned to a dark path and Keith felt grateful for that much.  By the time lunch was finished and Shiro had left the money and tip on his card, they walked back to the parking lot feeling full and satisfied.

“Think I need to buy bigger sweatpants,” Shiro teased as he patted his stomach over his shirt. “That was a lot of food.”

“Yeah,” Keith agreed. They went to stand by Shiro’s Prius, where Keith pressed Shiro gently back against the door of the car, his fingers resting on Shiro’s hips. “I had a good time today.”

Shiro’s cheeks darkened in color when Keith pressed so close and he even attempted to make himself smaller so Keith didn’t have to stretch as far upward to reach. “Yes, me too.”

Watching Shiro shrink and blush, made him smirk and press a kiss slowly to Shiro’s lips. This kiss he let be slow and deeper than their first. Keith pressed his tongue along Shiro’s bottom lip, hoping for entry, but Shiro kept his mouth shut, so Keith eased back away to give him some space and air.

“Sorry,” Shiro whispered and looked down.

“Don’t be.” Keith squeezed Shiro’s hips lightly in his hands. “It was a good kiss.”

Shiro rubbed the back of his neck shyly. “Do you want to meet up again this weekend? I’m sure you’re busy–.”

“Yes,” Keith cut Shiro off. “I want to meet up again.”

“Okay. Great.”

“I’ll see you later, Dr. Shirogane.” Keith pressed one more kiss on Shiro’s cheek and then sauntered back over to his motorcycle. He slung his leg over the seat and glanced Shiro in the side mirror. The big man remained leaning back against his car door, his eyes shut, and head back like he’d just been given good head.

Keith chuckled.

Shiro was so easy to fluster.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first dual POV chapter. I had fun writing this. I hope you enjoy <3

Garrison University held a winter carnival, despite never seeing snow in this part of Southern California, but like clockwork, the university put up its annual winter carnival banners around campus. Shiro had already been conned into working the carnival, like every year since he’d been on a tenure track. Matt ( _lovingly_ , he claimed) signed Shiro up to be a part of the kissing booth just like every other year.

Except this year there was a problem and the problem had dark black hair and a mauve gaze with the intensity of sunsets across a barren desert skyline.

Shiro didn’t look forward to explaining to Keith the event was for _charity_ and he did it every year because even now he knew it was too late to un-volunteer. So, he’d spent the evening preparing Keith some of his favorite food while he waited for him to get out of class and drive over to his house. It was a first, for both him and Keith; Keith had never been to his house and Shiro hadn’t had someone over in years.

The house only had one floor and it spread across a large lawn, front and back, with an oak tree out front that had seen better days. Shiro didn’t want to cut the poor thing down, but he knew it was probably for the best. The exterior of his home was off-white with blue shutters, which he’d repainting himself, and he’d planted flowers along the front of the house last year to give the area some color.

The Prius parked out front in the driveway, Shiro had pulled it up close to the garage so Keith could park his bike in the driveway instead of on the curb. The screen door remained shut, but Shiro had pulled open the front door to let in the warm breeze blowing around outside. When Shiro heard the rumble of a familiar motorcycle a smile pulled against his lips and Shiro was eager to go to the front porch to wait for Keith to park.

No helmet, Shiro noted with a disapproving stare. He shook his head and folded his arms across his chest while he waited. Keith’s smile blinded like the sun and he walked up to the porch with a relaxed and easy gait.

“Hey, hot stuff,” Keith said as his smile only seemed to grow with appreciation. “I like the threads.”

Shiro glanced down at his outfit, which was really just a simple pair of university sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Nothing extravagant and not what he usually wore around outside, but he was in his own home and in his own home he liked to be comfy. “You aren’t wearing your helmet, again.”

“I lost it,” Keith said with a callous shrug.

“Get another.”

“With what, money-bags?” Keith’s retort was sharp and for a moment they stood and had a stare down. Keith stayed on the walkway that led to the porch and Shiro remained on the top step of the porch.

Stubbornness was not Keith’s most attractive quality and the impasse felt too big to try to straddle now. Shiro finally relented and turned to go back inside, holding the door open for Keith. “Come on inside.”

“You gonna yell some more?” Keith asked, but followed close behind, letting the screen door bang shut behind him.

“Did you hear me yelling?” Their bickering reminded Shiro of the old married couple across the street from him. They were always snapping at one another, but Shiro also remembered how Mr. Robertson always went outside and made sure his wife’s car was clean, despite being 70 years old. They were sweet and the memory brought a softness to Shiro’s tone. “I just worry about you when you aren’t fully protected. Is that so wrong?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t have the extra money to get a new helmet right now. I’m broke.” Keith turned around in a circle, his eyes wide as if he’d just realized he was in a new space. “Whoa, your house is nice.”

“It’s only nice because I cleaned last night,” Shiro snorted and set down a plate full of food. “I made you beef and noodles.”

“You did?” The question brought a small blush across Keith’s beautifully sharp cheekbones. “Thanks.”

“I have to talk to you about something anyway… It’s… Just let me preface and say _I_ didn’t sign up and it’s for charity.” Shiro sighed and grabbed the flier for the winter carnival to show Keith.

“Uh, I know?” Keith said as he glanced at the paper before sitting down to start eating. “I work there, too, remember? There are fliers all over campus. I had one taped to my office door yesterday by an overzealous student.”

“That’s not surprising.” Shiro sat down at the table with Keith to work on his own bowl of steaming beef and noodles. Sometimes, he even surprised himself with his creations.

“So, what about it?”

“Well… It’s like this.” Shiro sighed and twirled a noodle slowly around his fork, even though the motion did not go well with the egg noodles. “Matt always signs me up for the kissing booth, which is both humiliating and great marketing. We always raise a lot of money and… _despite_ the humiliation, the only casualty is my pride.”

“I’m not following,” Keith said with a blank stare.

“Well, _we’re_ an item now and I didn’t want you to get… jealous of other people paying a dollar to kiss me.” Shiro blushed and dropped his head to stare at the table. “It’s not like I signed up on purpose.”

Silence was usually Shiro’s friend and Keith usually filled out the silence nicely with his own; they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, never seeming to mind the stretches of quiet between them. But this felt like a vast canyon and Shiro realized too late he might have made a mistake by even telling Keith because Keith started to laugh.

_Laugh_.

Shiro’s face only heated up more and he placed his right hand across his eyes. “Shut up!”

Keith laughed until he had to wipe his eyes and clutching his ribcage from stitches. “I’m sorry. You- you participate in the kissing booth? Are students allowed to participate, because that seems inappropriate.”

“ _No_ ,” Shiro snarled. “It’s just harmless kissing. It’s not- like real… kissing…”

“Then why would I get jealous?” Keith countered. “People kissing your cheeks and hands and I’m sure _dying_ to get a peck on the lips by you.”

“I just know I’m a _popular_ candidate and I’d hate for you to find out by just showing up and seeing it for yourself. I was trying to be nice and tell you.” His words were hot and from the look on Keith’s face came with a branding iron. Shiro hadn’t meant to sound so sharp and angry, but Keith’s laughter made his ears and face burn hotter than the sun. Again.

“ _That_ I believe. People line up to smooch on Space Daddy.” Keith’s grin turned wicked at the corners of his mouth curling like an imp’s.

Oh, no.  
_Oh, no_.

“How– How did you know about that?” Shiro stammered.

“I ran into your colleague, Matthew Holt.” Keith snorted and smirked. “He was interested in talking to me and we sat down for a chat. Somehow, the conversation went to Twitter and he showed me the plethora of Tweets made in your name. Didn’t realize I was dating a real life meme.”

Shiro covered his face with both of his hands, wishing his skin didn’t trigger a flush at every embarrassing word to trickle from the fountain of Keith’s mouth. “Please don’t call me that.”

“It’s cute.”

“It’s embarrassing. Really, Keith, please let’s not talk about that.” The beef and noodles continued to congeal and grow cold on his plate, but Shiro’s appetite had evaporated along with his sense of dignity.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it.” Keith picked up his fork to resume eating, which they did for a while in silence.

At least the subject was dropped, hopefully, to never be picked up again. Keith finished first, leaving Shiro to try and shovel more food away at a quicker pace so they weren’t continuing to sit in uncomfortable silence together.

“Don’t choke,” Keith laughed. “You can take your time. It’s not like we have to rush off somewhere.”

Well, that was true. Shiro slowed down to finish his meal, his mind starting to wander while they sat together. Keith didn’t have a bag with him, so Shiro wasn’t sure if he planned on staying the night. He wondered if there were clean sheets in the linen closet and if he had a few extra pillows just in case Keith _did_ want to stay the night. Was it more polite to offer Keith his bed and take the couch or was it more customary to keep his bed and let Keith sleep on the couch?

Did they dare share the same bed?

“You’re blushing again,” Keith said, drawing Shiro from his thoughts. “What’s wrong now?”

“Are you–.” Shiro paused to cough and clear his throat. “Are you staying the night tonight? I don’t remember if we’d talked about that, I just know I invited you for dinner.”

“Oh, uh, well…” Keith trailed off and shrugged casually. “That’s up to you. I can stay over if you want or I can just go home. It’s no big deal. I don’t live that far from here.”

The thought of Keith leaving for the evening made Shiro’s heart hurt; he didn’t want Keith to leave, he wanted Keith to stay all night. He wanted to get to know Keith’s habits and how he went day to day. He wanted Keith to watch Netflix with him and pick out a show to watch together.

What he  _didn’t_ want was for Keith to get the idea they were going to have sex, because they _weren’t_. All PG touching only. Maybe PG-13, but definitely nothing that would get them kicked out of every movie theater in a twenty-mile radius.

“You can stay,” Shiro said slowly. “But we aren’t having sex.”

“I… wasn’t assuming we were?” Keith asked slowly in confusion. Keith’s brows knitted together as his eyes squinted slightly. “I have self control, you know. It’s not like as soon as you shut me in here I’m going to turn into a giant raging sex monster.”

“I know that I just wanted to be _certain_ it was understood. That’s all.” Shiro sighed and stood to take the empty plates back to the kitchen sink. Keith had been so understanding about not having sex, Shiro felt he was almost being too hard on him. Keith was right; they were both adults with self control.

“I don’t have any stuff with me, though,” Keith said. “Just myself and my keys. I left my laptop and shit in the office. I’ll need to go run back there to go grab it so I can answer some emails and shit for students. That okay?”

“Sure. I’ll be here.”

“Okay.” Keith stood and went to kiss his cheek. “Don’t worry, Dr. Shirogane, I swear to behave and keep my hands to myself.” Keith winked and Shiro felt weak in the knees.

God, he was hopeless around Keith.

Completely and utterly hopeless.   


* * *

 

 

Shiro’s habits were _odd_.

Keith was sitting on Shiro’s bed and watching him prepare to go to sleep quietly and trying not to judge outwardly. He kept his face in neutral while Shiro changed in the bathroom away from Keith’s prying eyes, returned, grabbed his phone, and then once again went back to the bathroom. He’d been in there for the last twenty minutes and Keith wasn’t sure if he were jerking off to porn or brushing his teeth.

Maybe both.

Shiro liked to keep the television on an even volume. He did his dishes by hand despite owning a dishwasher. He also left his car outside of the garage, even though he owned a garage that was mostly empty. He didn’t snack after 9:00 p.m. and the only channels he seemed to watch were the Food Network and a foreign channel Keith didn’t recognize.

They’d argued about the sleeping arrangements for a good twenty minutes before Shiro finally said they could just share the bed. Keith had stopped arguing afterward, even though he wouldn’t have been offended by the couch. Keith sighed and glanced at the clock next to Shiro’s bed.

10:01 p.m.

Early.

Keith hardly ever saw the backs of his eyelids until well into the early ass morning, but Shiro was an old man who liked to get his beauty rest apparently. When the door to the bathroom _finally_ creaked open, Keith perked up and saw Shiro was fully clothed in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a long sleeved henley. He looked good, yes, but Keith was saddened to see him so covered.

“Won’t you be hot?” Keith asked. That was another weird thing about Shiro – he didn’t like fans on at night. The room was so dangerously quiet, Keith wondered if sleep would evade him the entire night.

“I’m comfortable,” Shiro replied. “I set out a towel and washcloth for you if you’d like to shower before bed. I’m not sure when you usually shower. I’m a morning shower guy, myself.”

Keith shrugged. He wasn’t even going to take a shower, it was an off day, and since he didn’t have extra clothes, he figured there was no reason to was and then hop back into dirty clothes the next day. He _had_ borrowed a t-shirt to wear to bed, which was more like a tunic on Keith.

“You gonna lie down?” Keith asked, watching Shiro just stand by the edge of the bed looking uncertain. “Seriously, I’m not going to shove my hand down your pants. I mean, I’d like to, but I _won’t_ without permission.”

“But you want to.”

“Yeah, you’re hot.” Keith grinned and leaned back into the pillows behind his head. “But you said take it slow. We’re taking it slow.”

“Yes. We are.” Shiro eased onto the bed as if it were made of glass and stretched out toward the edge.

Apparently, Shiro thought he was a nymphomaniac. Keith rolled his eyes and decided to settle down on his side of the bed without another word. He wasn’t _angry_ with Shiro for not wanting to have sex, he was annoyed Shiro thought they couldn’t even share a bed without tearing each other’s clothes off like they were horny, drunk teenagers.

Shiro said good night, which Keith grunted a nonsensical response and waited for Shiro to fall asleep. The room was quiet, too quiet until Keith could hear Shiro snore softly on his side of the bed. He sighed and began to roll over and change positions relentlessly. Shiro’s mattress was so firm, he couldn’t quite get comfortable. How the hell did Shiro sleep on this rock?

After six failed positions, Keith sat up and grabbed his two pillows to go storm out to the living room and make a bed for himself on the couch instead. At least out here, he could watch TV and mess around on the internet for a few hours until his mind was ready to calm down and sleep.

Since the house was so quiet, as well as the neighborhood Keith noted, he grabbed his headphones to plug into his laptop and turn on some porn. If Shiro wanted to assume he was a giant, horny nympho the least he could do was treat himself to naked people on his computer screen. Not that porn ever did sex justice, but it was better than wishing Shiro would dick him into the mattress.

Not that mattress, though.

God, not that mattress.

The screaming boys being fucked by tentacles did nothing arouse Keith's attention tonight and eventually, he grew bored of porn. Instead, he went into Shiro’s hashtag on Twitter to smirk and snort at all of the thirst tweets. A lot of people wanted to know if Shiro’s arm vibrated, which Keith had to admit, was a fucking valid question.

He scrolled mindlessly until his eyes fell upon a Tweet about Shiro’s arm and curiously wondering how the prosthetic _worked_ and found himself following a thread between the original questioner and someone else on Twitter explaining the science behind Shiro’s arm. At least, in their guesstimation. The thread was then interrupted by someone else who simply replied,

_His arm makes him ugly_.

Keith’s eyes narrowed at this reply, feeling a sense of anger for someone having insulted Shiro just because he was disabled. He scrolled through the tweets until he noted the same user putting Shiro down over and over within various replied. Always insulting, always pointed and sharp.

The username read _sendak._

Keith clicked on the guy’s profile, ready to give him a piece of his mind, but instead found himself sucked into the mind of a sick piece of shit. The guy was clearly a sadist, posting images and tweets on violence against men, women, children, animals. He had no regard for life.

Why the fuck was he tweeting about Shiro?

A pinned tweet to the top of Sendak’s feed made Keith pause before exiting out of his profile entirely. He didn’t want to give this guy further acknowledgment.

_Weak bodies make for weak minds. Vrepit Sa._

Keith closed the page and his laptop soon after. Sendak either had a sick obsession with finding people with disabilities and calling them out on Twitter _or_ he knew Shiro personally and felt the need to attack him. Keith couldn’t imagine _how_ they would know each other since Shiro was nothing like that fucking troll.

But there were things Shiro wouldn’t speak of and he always seemed so afraid of being intimate. An abusive ex would certainly be a cause for Shiro’s paranoia, but it wasn’t his place to pry. A brief consideration flashed through his mind to bring up the offensive tweets, but if Sendak was a part of Shiro’s dark past, it was not Keith’s business to bring them up.

No. Shiro would tell him when he was ready and not a moment before; at least, Keith had to keep believing that to be true. Sleep followed him down a dark rabbit’s hole and held him hostage and a slave to dreams of sadistic lovers and missing limbs.

 

* * *

 

“Did you seriously spend twenty minutes in line just to talk to me?”

Matt’s shit-eating grin made Shiro want to die inside. The winter carnival was busy and so was the kissing booth. Shiro had spent the last hour going from person to person, not even always registering who was next in line. The only good ones he’d gotten were two sweet dogs, who had been eager to give _him_ kisses, which had been the highlight of this long ass day.

No sign of Keith yet, which Shiro wasn’t sure if he’d even show up. After spending the night at his house, they’d parted on a weird note. Keith had kissed him good morning and they’d had breakfast, but the meal had been full of awkward silence. Then, without another word, Keith had left. Since then, he hadn’t heard from Keith at all. No texts, no emails, no phone calls. Nothing but radio silence.

“I figured I’d give you a reprieve. I’m doing you a _favor_ , Space Daddy,” Matt said with a wicked wink. “So, seriously, nice turn out. I’ve never seen it this busy. Did you tell Keith?”

“Yes, I told him,” Shiro muttered. “He stayed over the other night, but he’s been silent since and I don’t know what I did to upset him. I was hoping he’d come by just so we could talk for a second…”

Matt snorted. “Maybe he’ll come by for a kiss.”

“Shut up.” Shiro gave Matt a dark look but the expression quickly cleared from his face when he caught sight of a familiar dark mullet. “Go.”

“Excuse me?”

“Go away, Professor Holt. You’re holding up the line.” Shiro gestured awkwardly until Matt glanced and saw where Shiro’s eyes kept going.

“ _Oh_. Sure. Sure. Let me get out of your hair.” He dropped a dollar bill into the jar. “No kiss though, not really my thing.”

The girl behind Matt offered up a bright smile, as did the others who stood behind _her,_ all quick and eager to shove their dollars into the jar, but Shiro’s eyes were fastened on Keith. He stood at the back of the line, dressed in black pants so tight they resembled leggings, a red faded t-shirt cut off at the sleeves, and his hair up in its usual ponytail. Purple gaze locked onto his phone, one of Keith’s hands shoved into his pocket; he exuberated the image of _casual_ and for some reason, it drove a dark, pulsing heat behind Shiro’s belly button.

The line went by slowly until finally Keith stood next and a snarky smirk pulled at his mouth. “Hey,” Keith said. “This where we give a dollar per kiss?”

“Uh- yes-,” Shiro stammered and offered Keith the jar, which was a mistake. A crisp and green twenty dropped alongside the collection of ones which caused a radial of surprise to waver through Shiro’s entire body. He was vaguely aware his jaw slipped open while he attempted to keep his shaking hands from dropping the jar.

“Does that get me a real kiss, Professor?” Keith asked, pushing both hands into the pockets of his pants. A smirk still sat proudly on his lips and Shiro had to physically brace himself from crawling across the table to wipe it right off.

“Um–…” Shiro stammered dumbly because what else was he supposed to say? The girl behind Keith looked downright jealous and there was that smirk on Keith’s lips.

He was a dead man walking.

“Well?” Keith asked. “Do I kiss you or what?”

Shiro gulped and leaned across the table to press a kiss to Keith’s cheek. Someone in the line shouted at Shiro to fucking _kiss him, man_! His face turned so bright red, Shiro felt a bit light headed. Keith winked and grabbed Shiro’s sweater vest, hauling him across the table for a _real_ kiss.

Their mouths crashed together at what felt like 100 miles per hour, while Keith’s tongue pressed against his bottom lip until Shiro felt his own open. A whimper escaped the back of Shiro’s throat when Keith’s tongue ran along the back of his teeth and he felt the grip on his clothing tighten. Someone whistled and the crowd cheered at Keith’s bravery.

Shiro felt like he was dying and living all at once.

Too soon, the kiss ended, leaving him out of breath, his lips puffy and pink for sure, and his cheeks as red as Keith’s shirt. He watched Keith wiped his mouth along the back of his hand with no thought to decorum before giving one more death-dealing wink.

“See you later, Dr. Shirogane,” Keith said and walked away without another word.

Shiro was left to sit in his chair and keep extremely still. The erection throbbing in his slacks wasn’t about to go away without help and there were more people in line. They all stared at him with wide eyes and shocked faces. The woman beside him, also sharing the kissing booth space, patted his shoulder and laughed.

“He your boyfriend, Dr. Shirogane?”

Not even deep steadying breaths made his arousal dissipate. Keith was a dead man – a very, very dead man.

“Never seen him before,” Shiro lied through his teeth. He wasn’t ready for the world to know he was dating. It wasn’t anyone’s business and considering the Twitter debacle, he wasn’t ready for the world to put a face to the guy he was seeing.

The woman laughed. Shiro didn’t remember her name. Kathy, maybe. “Well, wish he’d be that friendly with me. He’s cute.”

Shiro coughed and managed to turn his attention back to the task at hand.

Kissing booth.

“You want a break, Dr.?” came another voice, making Shiro whip around to see his replacement had shown up at last.

“Yes,” he said and grabbed his jacket. The girl about to drop her money in the jar whined in frustration, but Shiro paid her no heed. Instead, he rushed after Keith, hot on his heels, where he eventually found Keith standing in line for a funnel cake stand.

“Keith,” he said sharply, making Keith half turn. 

“Hey to you, too,” Keith said, the smirk dying on his face. “You’re mad.”

“ _Yes_. Why did you do that?”

Keith paused and Shiro wanted to reach over and strangle him, but in the same breath, he wanted to return that kiss. He wanted to leave Keith as breathless as he’d been just moments ago. He wanted Keith weak at the knees. He wanted Keith _on_ his knees. He just wanted Keith.

“Because it’s a kissing booth. I got my money’s worth,” Keith replied with a cocky grin. “You want a funnel cake?”

“I–. Excuse me?”

“Do you want a funnel cake? I’ll share.” Keith turned and ordered a large funnel cake with extra powdered sugar, passed over more cash, and then went to stand to the side before Shiro could even respond.

_On your toes, he keeps you on your toes_.

“You have nothing to say for yourself, do you?” Shiro asked, but the bite and anger slowly faded from his voice and stance. The kiss had been _good_ , but Shiro didn’t want to go back. “I don’t want people to know I’m with someone.”

“They don’t know. They just think I’m a genius.”

“You’re not–. Goddamnit, Keith.” _Toes. Toes. Toes. On your toes like a fucking ballerina._

Keith let out a soft chuckle and Shiro felt it run down to his gut. It was like being punched. " _Relax_. No one suspects and even if they do, who the fuck cares. We’re both adults.”

Shiro sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Keeping up with you is a goddamn workout.”

“Then it’s a good thing you’re a gym rat,” Keith replied without missing a beat and stuffed funnel cake in his mouth.

He wanted to laugh, he wanted to pull Keith aside and make out, but he settled for sitting down with Keith at a picnic table to share the funnel cake and make stupid love eyes at one another instead.

“Why did you leave the other day without saying anything?” Shiro asked after they’d demolished the dessert.

Keith paused and wiped his fingers on his pants. “Uh… I was just tired. I didn’t sleep well that night. Your bed is hard as a fucking rock and your house is too quiet. No offense.”

“So, you’re not mad at me?”

“No. No, I’m not _mad_ at you. Why would I be mad?” Keith tilted his head to one side, reminding Shiro of a cute and curious puppy.

“I have no idea,” he admitted with a tired sigh. “I can’t wait for this day to end, I just want to go home and sleep.”

Keith hummed and nodded before glancing at Shiro’s Prius sitting in the faculty parking lot. “You wanna make out in your car like we’re sixteen?”

Shiro swallowed the immediate lump growing in his throat and saw Keith’s wicked look. “We shouldn’t. People will see.”

“So?”

“I told you I didn’t want people to know I was dating. I.. have reasons, Keith. Not because I’m ashamed or something… It’s complicated.” Shiro sighed and wondered _how_ he was going to bring all of his dark secrets to Keith. He knew he had to soon, but it wasn’t an easy mountain to climb.

“People won’t know you’re dating. They’ll know you’re getting fake laid.”

Well, how the hell could he say no to that?

“Fine,” Shiro said. “But if you make fun of my car while we’re in there–.”

“Shut up and let’s go, nerd.” Keith stood and grabbed Shiro’s hand, dragging him off to the car to make out.

Shiro smiled to himself. Yep. Always on his fucking toes.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I modified the timeline of the original chapters and pushed the original dates from February to January, so I apologize if it seems like I'm making a continuity error.
> 
> TW: abuse mentions
> 
> Not to be a Spoiler Alert™ but Shiro does delve into his past in this chapter so please be wary.

Promises were made to be broken, as the saying goes, but Shiro still felt like a giant ass. His class all snickered and giggled as he accepted the bouquet of roses, lilies, and orchids, along with a Valentine’s Day balloon, and one heart-shaped velvet box full of assorted chocolate. Shiro’s face remained red for the remainder of the lecture and he could only imagine the flood of posts in the Space Daddy hashtag on Twitter.

Now everyone would know he had a partner because Keith Kogane was a big, fat liar.

The weekend before Valentine’s, they had mutually agreed to not do anything as a couple. Keith didn’t like mushy, gushy, Hallmark bullshit as he’d stated and Shiro hated the entire holiday. Not doing anything had been _Keith’s_ suggestion, and yet Shiro still had an armload of Hallmark paraphernalia to cart back to his office. It felt like a reverse walk of shame.

The flowers, Shiro carefully set in the window for sunlight, and the balloons he set on the end of his desk. The chocolates remained in his bag where he’d shoved them as class ended, but Shiro could feel them mocking him through polyester and their faux velvet home. Of course, Keith had done something for Valentine’s, because that’s what couples _did_ for one another.

 _You’re a shitty boyfriend_ , Shiro thought to himself as he slowly sank into the seat behind his desk. He sighed and placed his head into his hands.

“Oh, _Dr. Shirogane_ ,” came a voice in a falsetto so bad, Shiro flinched.

“Go away, Matt,” he replied.

The voice faltered but still but still remained in that awful falsetto. “Um– no Matt here, just a needy student.”

Shiro rolled his eyes but crossed the room in a few strides to yank the door open regardless. As suspected, one Matt Holt stood on the other side, holding a steaming mug of something. “A needy student, huh?”

“ _Yes_ –” Matt’s voice cracked and he had to clean his throat to resume as normal. “Yes. Thought I saw you come down the hall with flowers, but that can’t be right because you hate Valentine’s Day.”

Another eye roll was warranted. “Keith ignored the memo.”

“Good boyfriend.”

“ _No_. Bad boyfriend.”  Shiro walked back to his desk to ease into his chair while Matt shut the door.

“Wow, flowers, balloons, _and_ candy?” Matt asked. “Can’t even get my wife to buy me a card.” Matt took a seat in the chair opposite Shiro’s desk. “What did you get him?”

“Nothing!”

Matt grimaced. “Oops?”

“No.” Shiro pointed a finger at Matt’s face. “We mutually agreed to do nothing, but he must have changed his mind. _Not_ my fault!” Guilt continued to eat at him anyway, no matter how many times he asserted in his mind this was not his fault.

Matt paused to let Shiro rant, sipping away at his mug. “ _Sooo_ … What are you _going_ to get him?”

Shiro sighed in defeat. “I have no idea.”

“Well, what’s he like? All I know is dude drives a beat-up motorcycle, paints, and apparently has the cash to spend on you.”

“He’s not rich.”

“No, but those flowers and candy probably cost him at least 100 bucks. Not including delivery,” Matt pointed out. “He’s an artist, right?”

Shiro nodded.

“Get him a gift card to Dick Blick or another art supplies store,” Matt offered.

“I don’t know…”

“I bet he’d love it.”

An exasperated sigh leaked out of Shiro and he slumped down in his seat. The conversation, clear as day, continued to play on a loop in his head.

 

_“So Valentine's Day is next week…” Shiro said while they lounged in front of his TV and binged Chopped on Netflix._

_“Yeah, I know,” Keith replied._

_“Did you want–.”_

_“To do something?” Keith shook his head. “I’m not really into that mushy, gushy, Hallmark bullshit…” Keith paused and looked over at Shiro shyly. “I mean, unless_ you _are.”_

_“No!” Relief flooded Shiro to the soul. “No, I’m not a fan of the holiday.”_

_“For reasons, you can’t talk about yet?”_

_“Uh– yes, I’m sorry.”_

_The episode ended and Shiro realized they’d missed the winner, but Keith was just staring at him. A look of longing and quiet pondering. Like clockwork, Shiro’s face turned bright red under pressure. Then, just like that, the looked passed and Keith returned his attentions back to Netflix._

_“So, we both agree, nothing on Valentine’s,” Keith continued._

_“Agreed.”_

 

Except, Keith hadn’t agreed. Shiro had a 100 dollars worth of mushy, gushy, Hallmark BS to prove otherwise. Now, Shiro was giftless and apparently, a sucker for thinking couples could do nothing for each other on Valentine’s Day without a hitch.

“Or you could live up to your end of the bargain and get him nothing,” Matt continued casually.

“I can’t do  _that_ ,” Shiro protested. “I can’t get him nothing when he did all of this.”

Matt nodded and then pulled out his phone to scroll and then he giggled. “Sorry, I’m listening, but uh Twitter is blowing up. Someone videoed you getting the delivery. The caption reads: ‘Space Daddy has a Sugar Daddy? Plot twist.’” Matt laughed harder after reading. “So many broken-hearted people on Twitter. Here are some gems– ‘Wish that were from me because whoever it is, they’re gettin’ some tonight’. ‘Space Daddy’s partner got them dollars’... ‘Space Daddy’s a sugar baby, who knew’?”

Oh, my _God_. Shiro’s face heated up with each Tweet Matt read. “Get off of Twitter,” he grumbled. “It’s not the internet’s business if I’m single or not – and Keith is not my _sugar Daddy_.”

“You should get a Twitter, it’d be a hoot– Oh my _God_.” Matt began to laugh so hard, tears rolled down his cheeks.

 _“What_?”

“Someone– someone– Oh God–…” Matt paused to wipe his eyes and regain his composure. “I want to marry this person. Someone made a Twitter for your prosthetic and retweeted the video. They said, ‘But all you need is me, Space Daddy’.”

Suddenly, Shiro felt like he was an episode of _The Office_ and had to turn away from being fed up. The circumstances regarding his arm weren’t funny, but people didn’t care about that. They just wanted the likes and their five minutes of internet fame.

“Lighten up,” Matt chastised. “It’s a joke, people are having a fun.”

“Yes,” Shiro snapped. “At my expense.”

“Hey, at least you’re loved on the internet.” Matt finished the drink in his mug and stood up. “I have class. Happy Valentine’s, Space Daddy.”

Shiro returned Matt’s comment with a rude gesture, but Matt had the last laugh since Shiro could hear him giggling all the way down the hall. Shiro sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before grabbing his phone to text Keith

→ _We need to talk_

 

* * *

 

_We need to talk._

Four simple words with innocent connotations on their own, but when strung together they induced panic in the recipient. After receiving the text, Keith immediately felt his heart become lodged in his throat and stay there for eternity. The only thing keeping him from running from the classroom were his students painting a still life for their class session.

“Are you okay?” Rolo asked from where he could see Keith’s face. “Looking distracted, teach.”

Keith cleared the expression of panic from his features and tucked his phone away. “It’s nothing.”

The lie tasted bitter on his tongue, ripping through his mouth like shards of glass. Clearly, Shiro was upset, presumably regarding Valentine’s gift he’d sent to Shiro’s class. Knowing Shiro had bad memories regarding Valentine’s had made Keith want to curate new memories for Shiro.

Better memories.

But maybe he’d overstepped. They’d only been dating for about a month and they’d both agreed to do nothing on Valentine’s. Shiro stating he hated the holiday due to untold secrets made Keith believe whatever it was had to be bad and he didn’t want their Valentine’s to be stained with such a memory. Shiro deserved the world served to him on a platter and he certainly deserved to be happy on a day about love.

Keith wandered the room and took glances at everyone’s still life, leaning in to give advice and help a few students with corrections. The next two hours were going to drag and there was nothing Keith could do about it. More than anything, Keith wanted to leave his class and find out what was on Shiro’s mind because the idea of Shiro wanting to dump him was burning a hole right into his heart.

And on fucking Valentine’s Day.

Thirty minutes went by and Keith quickly became too distracted by _what-if_ scenarios to run an effective lesson. The urge to text and leave was a siren’s call where even his students began to take notice. It wasn’t until he felt several pairs of eyes on him as he stared at the text and leaned on a table.

“What?” he said and kicked himself afterward for sounding defensive. They knew. They all fucking knew.

“You _sure_ things are okay?” Rolo asked again. “It’s cool if you gotta bounce.”

The other students all chimed in with their agreements. Keith tossed the idea around of letting them finish the class, _trusting_ them enough to stay and finish the assignment without him babysitting and holding their hands. It wasn’t as if he were having an emergency; trying to find out what _We need to talk_ meant did not constitute Keith call it quits on his class, but the anxiety building in his chest might.

“It’s nothing important,” he lied again, which from the looks he was given no one believed.

A mousy, usually quiet student named Tara spoke up from where she sat off to the side. “Is it your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Keith said quickly out of habit and then realized he _really_ needed to talk to Shiro about ‘coming out’ together. Hiding his relationship seemed absolutely ridiculous when they were both outwardly gay men everywhere except on campus. “It’s… a friend. He seems to be upset with me and I’m worried I made a mistake. That’s all I’m saying. It’s not so important I should just abandon my class.”

“You would tell us to go,” Rolo pointed out. “When we have personal shit you let us go handle it so we don’t let it mess up our time in your class. Shouldn’t that policy go both ways?”

Ouch. Bitten by his own mantra.

“Fine,” Keith conceded with a sigh. “I won’t stop you all from going home, but I hope you all at least finish rough outlines for next week’s class. Have a good weekend, don’t do drugs and if you do, make it safe. Okay? Okay.”

The class giggled and Keith returned to his office to pack up his laptop and bag before rushing back to the main part of campus and the science department. Keith envied the science building since it was brand new and had so many windows it made his artist’s heart soar. The lounges inside, even for the students, seemed so nice and savvy in comparison to his own department. The art department was one of the oldest buildings on campus and since the arts were horribly underappreciated, they never quite received as much funding as other departments.

Hell, they still had a futon in their pathetic corner they called a lounge and the student art gallery needed new flooring, but that wasn’t in his control. The only thing in his control was going upstairs to Shiro’s office, knocking on the door, and praying he hadn’t messed things up so badly Shiro wanted to end their relationship.

“Come in,” Shiro called through the door after Keith knocked.

Keith paused, took a breath, and steeled himself before pushing the door open. This wasn’t the first time he’d been in Shiro’s office, but the size never ceased to shock him. Especially when compared to his office which hardly constituted a closet. “Hey,” Keith said slowly. “I got your text. Sorry, I had class.”

“It’s alright, Keith,” Shiro said but he was standing up and his arms were folded across his chest like he was about to start scolding Keith. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I texted you.”

Keith nodded and swallowed the lump building in his throat. “I feel like I’m in trouble. Am I?”

Shiro stepped aside and gestured at the group of Valentine’s items on his desk. “I thought we said nothing on Valentine’s.”

Bingo.

“I… I know… but let me explain,” Keith said. He wished his tone didn’t sound so desperate but he needed Shiro to hear him out before the final blow was delivered. “I know you said you don’t like Valentine’s and I _know_ it’s because of whatever skeletons are in your closet. I’m sure you have bad memories of today, but I wanted to start helping you make _new_ memories, so our first Valentine’s wasn’t tainted by your other ones… but… I suppose I may have made a mistake and you’re angry with me.”

“I’m not _angry_ per se,” Shiro admitted slowly. “I was just thrown off guard… and… slightly embarrassed when they were brought to me during class.”

“I just knew where you’d be at this time, that’s all. I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, Shiro.” Keith kept his distance, staying near the closed door in case he needed to walk out in a hurry. So far, there was no mention of breaking up, but Keith waited for the other shoe to drop anyway.

Shiro nodded and his face softened a bit. “The gifts are really kind of you, Keith. I feel very special and thankful that I have _you_ today and not someone else… I think… I think it’s time I tell you about my past. I know it’s a day for us and this story isn’t romantic or kind or good… If you’d rather wait to hear it–.”

“No,” Keith said quickly and he took a step toward Shiro. “No, I want to hear it while you’re ready to tell me.”

“Okay,” Shiro said and then paused. Keith sat down slowly on the couch against the wall and watched as Shiro’s face went from being the man he knew to a blank and empty shell of the man he knew. Watching Shiro fade away and strip his flesh down to the hollow bones beneath made Keith feel uneasy but he stayed quiet and waited for Shiro to start his story.

“When I was in undergrad, I met a man named Sendak,” Shiro started slowly and Keith had to hold himself back from saying something about the Twitter experience the month prior. “He was older than me, I was a sophomore and he was a senior… I met him at some fraternity, rush party. We hung out, we got drunk, and I ended up going back to his place with him. We slept together and I thought that would be it, I would never hear from him again.”

“But you did?” Keith asked slowly. He didn’t want to interrupt, not really, but he wanted to participate, so Shiro didn’t just talk _at_ him. This was a discussion – that’s what couples do, right? They discuss.

Shiro nodded and his face remained the same blank and monotone expression. “We had exchanged numbers, I figured for booty calls, but then he just… started to be very kind to me. He took me to fancy places, he bought me things I needed, he treated me… He treated me like the way I _wanted_ a boyfriend to treat me.”

Keith swallowed and kept his mouth shut. This was not the time to interrupt.

Shiro sighed tiredly. Maybe he’d told the story before and maybe he was just tired of telling it or maybe he was tired from reliving it all over again. “Things were good at first. Like I said, he was good to me and kind. I was happy. For a good solid six months, things were great. I think, even now I think back then I loved him. I loved the man I thought he was but then… things began to turn upside down very quickly.”

“Did he hurt you?” Keith whispered.

Shiro snorted and his face went from blank to dark. “Oh yes, he hurt me. Things started simply… He cut me off from my friends, my family, my brother Kuron… He inundated me with his own _friends_ , but I say friends very loosely. They were more like followers, I suppose. His kind words turned vicious and cruel. He controlled my every move, my every thought, my every word. I began to rely on him, to the point where I couldn’t even see the blatant and obvious abuse happening to me.”

Keith nodded in understanding; he’d been mistreated in the past by people. He knew how easy it was to fall prey to a master manipulator. “I’m sorry, Shiro,” he whispered.

“Sendak treated me like his property. He let his friends fuck me and hurt me and made me think _I_ wanted it. I will never forget one night when I came home from class late because I had a… lab or something. He was angry because I’d missed dinner. He grabbed a heavy ashtray made of glass and he shattered it against the wall and grabbed a piece.” Shiro mimed slashing the air with a weapon. “Right across my face. He made me think it was my fault. I believed him because _I_ had upset him by not coming home on time.”

Keith touched the bridge of his own nose as he realized Shiro meant the scar on his face. “He did that to you?”

Shiro nodded. “He did a lot me… I’m… Part of the reason I haven’t had sex with you is that I’m covered in scars. Daily reminders of what he’s done to my body. He found pleasure in cutting me with knives and other sharp objects just for the hell of it…. I have so many scars… I don’t want you to think I’m ugly.”

Keith stood then and walked up to Shiro, wrapping his arms around Shiro’s waist and pressing their foreheads together lightly. “I do _not_ think you are ugly,” he said gently. “And no scar makes you ugly.”

“They are ugly though,” Shiro whispered. “Not all scars are beautiful, Keith. Mine are not beautiful. I live with them because I have to, but I wish they weren’t there… My arm… was the final straw, I suppose for him.”

“What do you mean?”

Shiro sighed and leaned against Keith heavily as if he were trying to gain strength from Keith’s being. “I don’t remember everything that happened that night. I just know there was an accident and he caused it… I woke up in the hospital and Kuron was there, crying, and he told me he’d gotten a call because he was on my emergency contact list. I hadn’t seen him in a year…. And… my arm was missing.”

Keith shuddered inwardly at the thought of Sendak being the reason Shiro had a prosthetic. “Fuck,” he whispered.

“I still don’t remember much but I do remember waking up and Kuron wasn’t there but… Sendak was there. In my room.” Shiro shuddered in Keith’s arms at the memory. “I was so afraid. I was so afraid he’d come to finish what he’d started, but I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t scream or cry. I just stayed there, frozen in bed.”

“He came to see you in the hospital? Fuck, what a sick piece of shit.” Sendak was truly a depraved, soulless asshole to come visit his abuse victim after placing them in the hospital.

Shiro leaned away from Keith and dropped his eyes to stare down at the floor. “He took one look at me and told me I was broken and ugly and no one would want me now. He told me I was no longer good enough for him and that was the last I saw of him. I spent almost two years with him. Two years of my life and they were wasted on Sendak’s torture. He cut me, bruised me, broke me, and cost me my arm.”

The pain in Shiro’s voice made Keith’s heart hurt. He gently touched Shiro’s chin to guide his face and eyes up. “But you’re still here. You’re alive and you’ve survived this… I’m proud of you, Takashi Shirogane. You are a strong and wonderful man.”

Shiro’s cheeks turned pink under Keith's’ compliment. “So now you know my demons… You know why I hide from you and why I hate this holiday… It reminds me of him and the pain he put me through every single day but… I’m thankful for you. For what you’ve done for me today, I appreciate your kindness. I appreciate you listening and not running away.”

“Never,” Keith said fiercely. “I would never run from you.”

“You should. I’m certifiable.” Shiro blushed but smiled a little, too.

Keith pressed a kiss to Shiro’s forehead. “I don’t think you are. I think you’re a strong man who’s overcome a lot of horrors in his life and maybe is still trying to recover from some of them. I’m glad you told me, Shiro. I really am.”

“It feels good to have it out in the open and… You’re _sure_ you want to take me on, now? I know it’s a lot to deal with. I have emotional baggage a mile long.”

Younger Keith would have steered clear of more emotional baggage and damage; he already had enough of his own, what the fuck did he need _more_ from another person for? But he was older now, wiser, better. He cared about Shiro and a part of him, a small part of him, wondered if he could love Shiro. Maybe he _did_ love Shiro. Keith knew he would take Shiro’s pain on and not flinch. He just wanted Shiro to be happy.

“I’m positive,” Keith said firmly. “I’m crazy about you, you fucking nerd.”

Shiro laughed softly and they kissed again just as soft as his laugh. “Thank you, Keith,” he whispered against his lips once they pulled away. “Thank you for being so sweet today. I’m sorry, I don’t have anything for you, but maybe… tonight… Tonight we can… try something new.”

Keith tilted his head to the side and then it struck him– Shiro wanted to have sex. “ _Ohhh_ ,” he said with raised eyebrows. “Are you sure? We don’t have to–.”

“I want to,” Shiro said. “After… being that vulnerable just now, I think it’s just… I think making new memories is smart, so, being with you in that way tonight might help.”

Lizard brain Keith smirked and felt a pang of arousal, but Keith quickly squashed that away for later. “Let’s just see how it goes, okay? Do you want to go out to eat tonight?”

“Sure.” Shiro kissed him one more time. “My treat.”

“Only if you insist. I, um, while we’re out I wanted to talk to you about some stuff, too, actually…” Keith blushed at the admission.

Shiro nodded. “Meet me back here around six? I can drive us. Did you drive to campus today?”

“No, I carpooled, actually. I’ll meet you back here at six.” Keith wrapped his fingers in Shiro’s button up and pulled him in for a sloppier, deeper kiss that left Shiro’s ears red. “See you tonight, teach.”

“Yes,” Shiro agreed. “See you tonight.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: nightmare sequence involving Sendak

5:58 and Matt still stood in his office, killing time, and trying to pretend he wasn’t intentionally lingering so he could meet Keith on a more  _ official _ level. But Shiro knew better. 

“Don’t you have a date to run home to?” Shiro asked. He continued to corral Matt toward the door to his office and tried to ease his friend back into the hallway like an unwanted stray. Matt dug his metaphorical and literal heels in, remaining in his spot as Shiro had to start actually pushing him along. 

“My wife has to work late, so no, there’s no magical date waiting for me,” Matt said and laughed when Shiro gave up with a frustrated groan. “What’s wrong? Don’t want me meeting your Valentine?” 

“You’ve already  _ met _ him,” Shiro pointed out but he went to sit on his desk instead of wasting energy on shoving Matt around his office. “You’re the one who told him about Twitter.” 

Matt turned to face him with a sly wink. “Yeah, but you’ve never properly introduced us, which is just a  _ shame _ . I mean, where else is the guy going to come to for embarrassing dirt on you?” 

Punching Matt in the face felt a bit extreme Shiro reminded himself as his jaw clenched in frustration. Matt was a colleague – a friend. They’d been friends for so long, some of their department joked that they weren’t sure where Matt ended and Shiro began. Jests were to be expected. Except, Shiro didn’t feel like being embarrassed on Valentine’s Day in front of the extremely, wonderful guy he was currently seeing. Especially since Matt really  _ did _ have good embarrassing dirt on him; undergrad had been a wild ride. 

Shiro opened his mouth to reply something sharp and cutting but Keith’s head poked around the ajar door and he immediately lost the ability to speak. Matt turned at the look on Shiro’s face and he pulled the door open the rest of the way so Keith was on full display and no longer half in the hallway. 

“Am I late?” Keith asked. 

“No, right on time,” Matt said with a huge grin. “I’m Matt Holt, we’ve met but Shiro hasn’t really properly introduced us yet.” Matt held out his hand and Keith linked his own gloved palm in a firm shake. “You ever want embarrassing details on this dude’s life, I’m the one to go to. Trust me. I’ve known him  _ way _ too long. Sick of him, honestly.” 

Shiro sighed and a ran a hand over his face. “ _ Matt _ , please go home. Keith and I are leaving.” 

Keith smiled a bit at Matt, but Shiro could see he was dying a lot inside. Social situations involving small talk were not Keith’s forte and Shiro couldn’t blame him. Give him an inch and he’d take a mile talking about space, nebulas, supernovas, and black holes but force him to sit in a room and chit chat with people he didn’t know? He’d rather lose his arm again. 

“Alright, alright, I’m leaving,” Matt said. “Have fun you two, wear condoms!” 

“ _ Matt _ !” Shiro groaned and covered his reddening face. “One day, I’m going to kill him by shoving him off of the roof.” 

Keith chuckled and came to stand by his hip where Shiro still sat on the edge of his desk. “Embarrassing dirt, huh?” 

_ Oh no _ . Shiro sighed again and slowly dragged his fingers down over his face, pulling and tugging at his eyelids, skin, and lips. “Don’t ask him, please.” 

“Do you really think I’d ask him?” Keith replied and Shiro knew Keith wouldn’t ask. 

“No… C’mon, let’s get out of here, I’m starving.” 

“What are we having?” Keith fell into step with him as they left Shiro’s office and walked out of the building toward the faculty lot. 

A good question. Shiro had thought about where to eat all day and had never really come up with a gameplan. He knew Keith had asked about eating out but Shiro had been thinking about eating in. The energy it took for him to interact with people had drained slowly over the course of the day and now that it was time for their  _ date _ , he no longer contained the capacity to actually complete the task.

“Shiro?” Keith asked gently and Shiro realized they were standing in front of his Prius and his mind had wandered to the point of Keith looking worried. “Are you okay?”

“I’m tired,” Shiro admitted. The car chirped when it unlocked and Shiro eased slowly inside. “Can we eat in tonight? I just don’t have the energy to deal with more people tonight.”

“Sure,” Keith replied without missing a beat. “Do you want me to go home…?”

“No!” Shiro’s hand shot out to gently cradle Keith’s cheek and he ran his thumb along his brow bone. “No, I want to spend the night with you, I just don’t want to interact with people I don’t know.” 

“I get that.” Keith kissed Shiro’s palm and buckled his seatbelt. “Believe me, after a long ass week with my students, I usually just want to curl up and die.”

Shiro chuckled and Keith’s laugh echoed him. The laugh left Shiro’s insides mushy as they drove away from campus and off to Shiro’s little house. It wasn’t until they were parked in the garage that Shiro realized he had yet to see Keith’s place. Keith had been to his house plenty of times since his first overnight and had never bothered to invite him back to his own home. Wherever that may be. 

_ Maybe he doesn’t want you to see it.  _

“Question.” Shiro eased out of the Prius with the movement of an ancient sloth; his body ached and Shiro was suddenly and acutely aware he was no longer twenty-five. He winced at the pain in his back and hips.  _ You’re an old man, falling apart. Jesus.  _

“What?” Keith asked as he eased out of the car with the limberness of a younger man. Shiro felt a hot spike of jealousy slam through his aching body.

“How come I’ve never been to your place?” The movement continued to hurt and Shiro had to take his time and practically hobble to the door to let them inside. 

“You okay there, grandpa?” Keith teased but followed Shiro graciously with a hand on his back. 

“Just sore,” Shiro replied. “See what you get to look forward to when you get old?” 

“You’re not even  _ that _ old.”

The house welcomed them with the faint smell of cleaning products and vanilla. Shiro cleaned when stressed and he liked to burn candles afterward to mask the antiseptic smell. They eased their way to the living room where Shiro eagerly fell onto the couch and put his feet up with a long, happy, and relieved sigh. 

“So,” Keith said and stood in front of Shiro his hands on his hips. “What’s in your kitchen that isn’t mildly terrifying that I could cook?” 

Shiro chuckled softly. “I can cook, just gimme a sec–.” 

“You’re about to fall asleep, dude. I’ll cook.” 

Shiro didn’t have time to reply. His eyes were too heavy and his mouth wouldn’t move because his brain had short circuited. Keith was right. He definitely fell asleep.

 

* * *

  
  


_ A voice as sharp as razor blades whispered in his ear, words he thought he’d forgotten.  _

_ “Tell Daddy how you  _ like  _ it _ ,  _ scum.”  _

_ Shiro’s eyes flew open and panic made his heart gallop and slam against his chest when he saw himself lying on a bed while Sendak slammed his body into the bed. With every motion, Shiro watched his flesh wither and flake away, His right arm feathered into the wind until the only thing left behind were bones.  _

_ His stomach churned at the image. Shiro knew he was dreaming. There were times when he  _ knew _ and he could change the course of his dream, but he felt trapped. He was watching a horror film and then Shiro jumped as the scenery around his peripherals changed. No longer standing and watching, Shiro now sat in a movie theater and at his side sat Keith, chomping on popcorn and sucking down soda.  _

_ On the screen, the scene didn’t change. They were the only ones in the theater but Keith’s eyes were glued to the screen and watching Shiro be railed into the mattress and slowly fade away.  _

_ “Stop watching,” Shiro said. He felt his body jerk to move and cover Keith’s eyes, but there were shackles holding him in his seat. “Keith, stop. Stop watching. Stop.”  _

_ “Why?” Keith retorted. “It’s a good movie.” _

_ “No,” Shiro whimpered. “Stop. Please. Wake up. It’s a dream. Wake up!”  _

_ Shiro screamed and pulled on the restraints keeping him bound to the seat. Keith kept watching. Sendak didn’t stop hurting him. The sheets on the bed were soaked in crimson. A cold, heavy hand laid on his shoulder making him freeze and a cool voice he hadn’t heard in years but could still summon muttered against his ear, “My sweet, darling, beautiful Takashi. I miss you.”  _

_ Shiro shut his eyes and whispered a prayer to make it all end. The room felt cold and when Shiro opened his eyes again he no longer sat in the audience. Sendak’s blade pressed into his ribcage and plunged inside to release the trapped bird inside.  _

 

* * *

  
  


The house was silent save for the sounds of Keith in the kitchen when Shiro’s eyes yanked open as he finally managed to force himself awake from the nightmare. Shuffling feet and gently clanging pots, the clock ticking over the mantle, Keith humming, water drizzling from the sink, the air conditioner humming through the walls. These were the things Shiro latched onto and dragged his conscious body back to reality. His clothes were soaked through and drenched but Shiro didn’t feel strong enough to stand up without help. Every part of his body felt weak and sick. 

He’d promised Keith they would have sex tonight and now he regretted that poor decision. Of course, he wasn’t ready to have sex. Sendak wouldn’t relinquish his hold on Shiro’s psyche and the pain and trauma his body had been through was always a reminder away from those bad times. 

“Shiro, do you want me to run to the store to get…” Keith trailed off as he appeared around the corner and saw Shiro lying on the couch drenched in sweat. “Jesus Christ, what happened to you? You run outside and do a marathon?” 

_ If only, _ Shiro thought bitterly even as he attempted to sit up on his own. The motion made his back ache but eventually he was able to pull himself into a sitting position. “No,” he replied with a cough. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” Keith kept his distance, which Shiro was thankful for, since he didn’t need touched right now. 

“I had a bad dream,” Shiro whispered. “I’m fine. I’m not hungry. I just… I just want to lie down. In bed.” He couldn't eat after nightmares since they always left him feeling queasy. He just needed his melatonin and space. 

“Okay,” Keith said. “You don’t have to eat. Do you need help getting up?” 

“No,” Shiro said and shakily shoved his body up off of the couch and then almost proceeded to fall forward. If Keith hadn’t been there to help him, he would have crashed into this television. “...Yes,” he conceded with a sigh. 

“I got you,” Keith whispered and helped walk Shiro to the bedroom and ease him into bed. “Baby, you’re soaked. We should get you something new to wear.” 

Too tired to protest, Shiro allowed Keith to undress him even though this was the first time Keith had ever seen him without at least a t-shirt on. Keith said nothing and Shiro drank the silence like water, while they worked Shiro into comfier, dryer clothes. Once changed, Shiro took two melatonin pills and stretched out on the bed and tried to forget the nightmares that had driven him into feeling so shitty. 

“Do you need anything else?” Keith asked quietly from where he stood off to the side of the bed. 

“No,” Shiro muttered. Keith had seen his scars. Even though he’d said nothing, there was no way Keith hadn’t  _ looked _ . Shiro shut his eyes and tried to not feel so violated, but he hadn’t been ready to show Keith his body. It wasn’t Keith’s fault, they had no choice, but he still felt  _ bad _ about the entire evening. The goodness of Valentine’s Day faded away and left the metallic taste of Sendak along his back molars and tongue. 

“Okay,” Keith said quietly. “Good night, Shiro.” 

Shiro didn’t reply.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are probably mistakes in here i am tired and will try to catch & correct them tomorrow but i wanted to post this before i changed my mind and rewrote the whole thing

_ Hey want to hang out this weekend?  _

_ Hope you’re having a good day :)  _

_ I miss you <3 _

 

These were all various texts Keith had sent Shiro during the day but Shiro left them on read. It hurt when he saw Shiro had read them but didn’t bother to reply. He supposed the events of Valentine’s were too close and Shiro wasn’t ready to talk yet. He needed his space. Keith respected that.

For a while. 

For a whole week. 

A week went by and he didn’t hear from Shiro. Keith spent his days on campus teaching his classes, critiquing artwork, and giving tests on the  _ Greats _ . His nights were spent alone in his apartment with only his roommates to bug him. Lance, of course, was forever nosey and wanted to know why he was suddenly home  _ all the time _ but Keith didn’t have the energy to talk to him. 

He didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone.

The only person he wanted to talk to didn’t want to talk to him and his feelings were hurting. Keith sat going over a lesson plan, glancing at his phone now and again, trying to wait and see if Shiro maybe would message him back. Something was better than nothing. When notifications didn’t fly in, Keith decided to send Shiro a few cat memes. That usually worked. 

Five minutes later and still radio silence. 

Keith huffed and went back to lesson planning. Clearly, Shiro needed some space and it was time he respected that. Focusing, almost impossible, Keith sighed and moved on.   
  


* * *

 

 

Another week went by and Keith was starting to wonder if Shiro wanted to even see him again. He debated on going to Shiro’s office in person but that felt like an invasion of privacy. If Shiro wanted to see him, Shiro would text him and they would meet up. That didn’t stop Keith from feeling a pang in his chest every morning when he went another day without a text, call, or Facebook message. 

Lance gave him the suggestion he should hang out in the library cafe in the mornings since Shiro clearly liked to have coffee in the morning. Keith had dismissed the idea in person. He’d even laughed and told Lance he was stupid. Well, Keith knew Lance would tell him to eat his fucking words because here he stood, waiting, in line at the coffee shop in hopes he would run into Shiro like their first run-in. 

Keith knew for a fact Shiro had a lecture at 8:30 so he  _ knew _ Shiro would be here before then. He stood and waited around in the cafe, sipping his third coffee, eyes trained on the door. 8:00 turned into 8:15 turned into 8:25 and Keith soon felt his hopes slip and die away. Shiro wasn’t coming. 

“Hey, man.” 

Matt Holt, however, was apparently late for class and out of breath but still scaring the daylights out of him. “Fuck!” Keith gasped as he spun around to face Shiro’s friend and colleague. “Matt.” 

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Matt asked. “Looking for Shiro? He’s been bringing his own coffee to work. Smart guy, saving money.” 

“Oh,” Keith muttered. Disappointment filled his body and he began to slip under and drown. “How is he?” 

“Shiro? Oh, he’s alright, I think. Been kind of quiet but he gets like that around midterms… Why? Are you two fighting or something?

“Or something,” Keith conceded. “He hasn’t texted me back in two weeks. I don’t know what I did.”

Matt frowned and scratched his bouncing blonde curls. “Huh. That’s weird. He hasn’t said anything so maybe he’s just busy. I can talk to him if you want?” 

“No!” God, that was the  _ last _ thing he needed. “No, it’s okay… I just… I’ll just wait for him to be ready, I guess.” Keith turned away from Matt so he didn’t start crying.  _ Everything is a mess _ , he thought sadly. 

Matt reached out and touched his shoulder briefly. “Hey, I’m sure it’ll be okay.” 

“Thanks.” The words tumbled out flat but Keith knew if he put inflection in his voice then he  _ would _ cry and he had a class to teach in a half hour. “I have to go teach.”

“Me, too… I’ll see you around, Keith.” Matt gave his shoulder one more squeeze and then they parted ways.

Keith waited for Matt’s footsteps to fade away before allowing his own to carry him out of the library and off to the art department. His gaze lingered on Shiro’s office window for a moment as he walked. He wanted to be dreaming. 

 

* * *

 

_ Ghosted.  _

A term Keith hadn’t thought about since he’d started dating Shiro. He used to ghost people all of the time on Tinder when they turned out to be too much or too weird for him. He’d never  _ been  _ ghosted before and he hadn’t expected Shiro to drop off the face of the planet. After Valentine’s, however, Keith hadn’t heard from Shiro since and Spring Break was right around the corner now. 

Keith spent hours over analyzing every text he’d sent Shiro in the past few weeks, all unanswered, even though he told himself not to. Shiro needed his space, Shiro was busy, Shiro had too much school stuff to focus on him, Shiro was busy with midterms. These were all excuses Keith used as a salve on his aching heart. 

Missing Shiro was easy and Keith hated how much of his day consumed with thoughts of the other man. Waking up? Thoughts of Shiro. Taking a shower? Shiro on the brain. On the way to school? Shiro. His brain was one long loop and the only thing playing was the Takashi Shirogane show. Infuriating did not even begin to describe how the situation felt. 

Keith sat in his office and slowly tapped on Facebook. Shiro didn’t use it often but they were friends. He’d never had a chance to talk to Shiro that night about wanting to come out as boyfriends and now he wasn’t even sure if Shiro wanted to see him again. 

His heart, wrapped in barbed wire and kerosene, hurt so badly with a black, empty space shaped like Shiro. Taking care of himself had become a task too great and Keith had now been fighting off a cold for a week. Sickness, however, befell him so hard he’d ended up canceling his final and gave everyone in the class a passing grade. 

He wanted to talk to Shiro; hell, he just wanted Shiro to acknowledge his presence even if it was a  _ fuck off _ text. Anything was better than being ignored. 

A knock on his office door made Keith glance up from his phone and for a moment he couldn’t quite reconcile his brain and the person in front of him. 

“Long time no see, Kogane.”

The voice made him grin and Keith stood to greet Lotor, one of his oldest friends from undergrad. They clasped hands and hugged tightly against one another and Keith breathed in Lotor’s cologne and the faint scent of incense. 

“Lotor, you fucking asshole, what are doing here?” Keith asked when they pulled apart. Sickness wrecked his voice but at least he still had one. 

“I’m here for a job interview,” Lotor replied with a smile. “You sound about as bad as you look. What’s wrong?”

“I’ve been in denial about being sick,” Keith replied and eased back into the chair behind his desk. Lotor remained in the doorway, leaving Keith the ability to look his friend over. 

Lotor’s hair remained as long as Keith could remember but instead of blonde, the color now completely bleached away, leaving his hair white. Even his eyebrows had been lightened to match. He still wore all black clothing but his wardrobe appeared more slim and suave in comparison to their mall goth days. Earrings wrapped around both of his ears and Keith noted the sharp wings at the corners of his eyes and silver rings adorning his fingers. 

In short, Lotor had somehow become more beautiful over the course of the years. 

“You look good,” Keith tacked on and Lotor’s mouth lifted in a smug smirk. 

“Thank you. I hear  _ you’ve  _ been busy in the astrophysics department,” Lotor teased and shook back some of his hair. 

Keith blushed at the implication. “Not so much lately.”

“Why is that?”

“He’s been pretty MIA… Where did you hear that anyway?”

Lotor chuckled. “Everyone talks about the two of you. You’re Garrison’s Brangelina.”

Great. 

No wonder Shiro had gone to ground. He hadn’t wanted people to know but college was like high school so, of course, everyone knew. Maybe Shiro didn’t  _ want _ people to know because he felt shame when being with Keith. Maybe Shiro feared what people would say or maybe he worried about his ex finding out. All variously valid and terrifying points. 

He supposed kissing Shiro at the winter carnival had been a bad idea. 

“You look troubled,” Lotor said and finally came to sit down on a chair opposite Keith’s desk. 

“I just… I miss him and I hate that.” 

“How long have you two been together?” Lotor promoted. 

“January,” Keith said quietly. “I don’t even know if he considers us boyfriends or I’m just the guy who he sees on occasion.”

Lotor paused for a moment and looked Keith over. The color of Lotor’s irises always reminded Keith of a time in undergrad where he’d become obsessed with the color  _ blue _ . Azure leaked into every brush stroke while Keith doused empty canvases in ultramarine. He read  _ Bluets _ cover to cover and had an affair with indigo. Lotor’s eyes were like ink-stained denim jeans being dropped into the wash and somewhere between a violet bruise across a delinquent’s cheek and the twilight sky of a July evening. 

“He considers you a boyfriend,” Lotor said with such surety he made Keith raise an eyebrow. 

“You don’t even know him,” Keith retorted. 

“No, I don’t know him,” Lotor conceded. “But I do know  _ you _ and I do know that any man would be an absolute asinine moron to not consider you a boyfriend.” The words were filled with regret and Keith felt a bitter lump fill his throat at the reminder of what could have been but would never be. 

“You come here to wax poetic at me?” Keith said. 

“No,” Lotor replied quietly. “It just slips out with you. I hope to have a chance to meet him.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” While Keith didn’t think Shiro was the jealous type, introducing the  _ ex _ seemed like a bad idea. 

“Why?” Lotor tilted his head to the side and rested his cheekbone along his knuckles. “Because we dated once? It wasn’t  _ that _ serious.”

It had been serious for a brief interlude.

Freshman year at RISD had been riddled with late-night cram sessions and extensive figure drawing practice. Being roommates, Lotor and Keith had been inseparable until their figurative tied at the hip became literal and they’d spent winter break fucking away bitter snowstorms. Once winter break ended, so did Lotor’s obsession with Keith, and distance had torn them apart until social media bridged a reconnect. Lotor hadn’t wanted to be his boyfriend then and Keith hoped to God he didn’t want to be so now. 

“It was serious,” Keith replied sharply, his voice quiet but on edge. He didn’t know why he felt offended by Lotor’s remark but he did. 

Lotor shrugged but the subject seemed to be dropped now. “I have to meet him and make sure he’s good enough for you.”

“He’s too good for me,” Keith sniped back. “Did you say you got a job interview? I didn’t know you were teaching.” 

“I decided to join a  _ steadier _ career path,” Lotor admitted with a chuckle. “I figured I should quit fooling around.” 

Keith snorted but he wholeheartedly agreed. “So, you’ll be teaching  _ what _ exactly?”

“There’s an opening in the Art History Department. Hopefully emblazoned with my name.”

On the outside, Keith managed to portray a calm, rational adult happy for an old friend. One the inside, Keith’s mind performed acrobatics trying to logistically maneuver around Lotor being in the workplace. All of those constant reminders of a past he didn’t like to discuss. Lotor was a flirt and Keith was certain there would be blatant flirting on Lotor’s end. 

Shiro was bound to notice.

At least, if he still cared to notice. 

“I’m glad for you,” Keith said before a sneeze reminded him his body was ready to expire. 

“You never get sick,” Lotor commented. Concern knitted his well-maintained brows together. “You really care for this man.” 

“Shiro,” Keith said with a cough. “His name is Shiro.”

“I am sure you will hear from him soon. If not, send nudes. Those tend to garner attention.”

Of course, Lotor’s suggestion involved being naked. “I’m not eighteen anymore,” he muttered. 

Besides, Shiro was a classy guy with his own body issues to deal with. He didn’t need Keith waving his unsolicited dick in cyberspace as a salute. Lotor went to protest but a knock on the door drew their gazes. Keith’s eyes widened and he stood halfway out of his chair at the sight of Shiro dressed in gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt framed in his doorway.

“Shiro,” he gasped completely stunned. 

Lotor immediately latched on. “ _ This _ is the man who gets your dick pics?” Indigo eyes hungrily drank up the picture Shiro made. “My,  _ my _ .” 

“ _ Shut up _ ,” Keith hissed. 

Shiro glanced at Lotor briefly but then refocused on Keith, albeit confused. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.” 

“You didn’t. Lotor was just leaving,” Keith said quickly, desperate to grasp onto Shiro and keep him here. 

Lotor seemed to take the hint and stood up. “Yes, I have an interview to get to. Pardon my intrusion. I’ll text you later.” Lotor slipped around Shiro and disappeared from Keith’s office as quickly as he’d arrived. 

“Who was that?” Shiro asked once Lotor had gone.

“An old friend from undergrad,” Keith replied with a wave of his hand as if Lotor meant nothing at all. Now was not the time to explain. Not when what time he had with Shiro felt as fragile as thin glass. 

Shiro didn’t seem convinced but he seemed to shrug it aside for now. “Can we talk?” 

Keith nodded and gathered up his phone and messenger bag faster than he’d thought his sick body capable of. “Yes. Did you want to go somewhere?” 

Shiro nodded without further explanation and they walked out of the office to the parking lot where Keith’s bike and Shiro’s Prius sat side by side like a diptych. Shiro stopped in front of his Prius and didn’t move to unlock it or say anything, leaving Keith to stand and stare at him in confusion. The silence, strangling and thick, stretched out between them like taut chords ready to snap but Keith realized he would have to be the one to take that risk. 

“So, have you gotten my texts?” Keith asked slowly.

“Yes,” Shiro replied. Short and succinct, no emotion. 

“Just haven’t felt like talking?” 

“No… No, I haven’t felt like talking.” 

“But now you want to talk.” Keith felt as if he were leading one of his students to a right answer. The road was treacherous and full of holes but they were slowly getting somewhere. 

Shiro sighed heavily and Keith could see the weight on his shoulders. “That last night you were over, I had a terrible nightmare about Sendak and… I mean, you were there, you  _ know _ … and when you saw me… covered in scars…” 

Keith bit his lip as he remembered. He hadn’t stared too hard but he would have had to have been blind to not notice them. “I remember.” 

Shiro looked at him then, turning to face him completely, and his face was a mixture of upset, for himself? for them? and uncertainty. “Keith, I wasn’t ready for you to see me and I understand it wasn’t done with malicious intent… I  _ know _ this. I know you were just helping me and for that, I am grateful to you.” 

Keith frowned. The way Shiro worded everything made it sound like a giant  _ but _ lingered unspoken. “Okay? I mean, I am sorry if I upset you–.” 

“I’m not mad at you,” Shiro clarified. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you but I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and thinking and…. I think… I’ve come to a decision.” 

“About what?” 

“About us.” 

Primal fear gripped Keith’s body and turned him cold all over. “What about us?” he whispered, too afraid to speak any louder. 

“I think we should break up,” Shiro said. His voice matched Keith’s in volume and his brows knitted together with a sadness Keith felt inside. “It’s not you… which I know sounds really fucking stupid out loud but… I’m just… I’m  _ clearly _ not ready for a relationship like this. I can’t even let you see me without a shirt on? Christ.” 

Breaking up. 

Shiro wanted to break up. 

“You… you want to break up,” he said. Everything was a mess.

“I’m sorry, Keith. I really like you and you’ve been  _ so  _ good to me and for me… and that’s why we have to break up. You deserve someone who will treat you right and who will be there for you equally and I just can’t do that right now. I’m  _ clearly _ still fucked up by Sendak and… you don’t deserve that. You’ve never deserved that. I need to figure my own shit out before I try to drag someone into this insanity.” Shiro knocked his prosthetic knuckles against his temple lightly. 

“But… But…” Keith struggled to find the right words. There was so much he wanted to say but every conceivable sentence slipped right through his fingertips as grains of sand, too small to latch onto with a sure grip. “ _ Shiro _ .” 

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said, his voice suddenly flat. “I wish it could be different but I have to do this for  _ me _ . I’m sure you can understand that. I’m glad I got to know you, Keith Kogane.” 

Keith wanted to shout that Shiro didn’t know him and that Shiro had never gotten to know him. They’d always talked about Shiro. He’d waited and tried and waited some more for his turn but he’d never get a turn. Not really. But no words came and the walls around his heart returned in full force. He locked the gates and let his shoulders and spine stiffen. 

_ This is why you leave before you’re left. He’s just like everyone else.  _

“See you around, Keith,” Shiro said and then without another word at all, Keith watched Shiro climb into his Prius and drive away like his life had turned into a bad teenage romance. He waited and waited for Shiro to stop his car, change his mind, and come rushing back to beg Keith’s forgiveness. The moment never came because his  _ life _ was not a bad teenage romance. 

Reality was grittier and crueler and full of twists and turns only meant to knock you around. There were no happy endings and Shiro wasn’t going to change his mind and come back. Keith let out a slow breath of air and turned a swimming gaze on his bike. Forgoing a helmet, even though he’d bought a new one to appease Shiro, Keith drove out of the parking lot and stopped at a liquor store to buy the largest bottle of whiskey he could find. Sick or not, he planned on drinking every last drop. 

Life never worked out how he wanted. 

  
  


* * *

 

“You did  _ what _ ?” 

Shiro sighed and pushed back another drink. “I broke up with him, Matt, how many other ways do you want me to say it? I’m running out of synonyms.” 

After dumping Keith in a parking lot, Shiro had gone home and spent the afternoon lounging around his empty house and realizing it was too empty. He’d then rearranged his furniture six times until it all ended up exactly where he’d started. Now, he sat in a bar with Matt drinking away the taste of Keith’s lips and the sound of Keith’s name on his tongue. Everything tasted bitter. 

“ _ Why _ ?” Matt asked. “Why would you break up with him? You were so happy!” 

“I was killing him” Shiro whispered. “My baggage line is too long and he’s too young to get mixed up with me.” 

“But he  _ liked _ you.” 

“I know. I liked him. I  _ like _ him.” Shiro tapped the bar and the bartender tossed him another shot. “But he saw me without a shirt, Matt, and I couldn't handle it. I had a fucking mental breakdown and that  _ isn’t _ something I should be afraid of!” 

“But did you  _ have _ to dump him?” Matt reached over to steal his shot and drink it himself. “You’ve had enough.” 

Shiro snorted but didn’t argue. He probably  _ had _ had enough. The question weighed heavily on his mind as it had all afternoon. Did he have to dump Keith? Could they work it out? Did Keith deserve to be with someone better? These were all questions he’d asked himself and kept asking himself over and over on loop. The answers were a mixed bag but they all led down the same road and that road ended with a breakup. 

Shiro stared at the smooth grain of the bar and ran his fingers along it absentmindedly. “I had to do it, Matt. I had to end it now before we both grew too attached.” 

“Shiro, if you think you weren’t  _ too _ attached, then you’re fucking blind. And stupid.” Matt sighed and called the bartender to get them two beers. 

“Thought you said I’d had enough.” 

“You have but I need a beer and I hate drinking alone.” Matt nodded as they were handed two beers and he clinked his bottle against Shiro’s. “Look, I know you’ve got your hangups and I’m sure Keith has his.” 

“The point is he didn’t deserve  _ my _ hangups, Matt,” Shiro said and he took a long pull from the bottle. “He deserves someone stable.” 

Stable. What an objective term. Shiro knew Matt was thinking the same thing but they drank in silence instead. Even now, Shiro missed Keith. They hadn’t been broken up but a few hours and all he could do was think on Keith. Shiro wondered what Keith was doing now and if he were okay. Despite everything, Shiro always wanted Keith to be okay.

“Look, I’m going to think you’re a moron for doing this but I will support you because I know you’re doing this for yourself,” Matt said finally. “But I still think you’re a fucking idiot and you’re going to regret it.”

Shiro snorted and finished the beer before pulling out his wallet to put some cash on the bar to cover his drinks and Matt’s. “Believe me,” he said, his voice as bitter as the night air. “I already do.” 

Shiro left the bar and went out to his Uber, which waited for him on the corner. The world felt fuzzy and dark but Shiro managed to tip the guy for not asking him a lot of questions on the ride back to his house. He watched the campus go by and all of the students milling about, partying, drinking, and having a good time. For a split second, Shiro longed to be like them; young and full of life. In love with one another and not ashamed to show it. They weren’t bittered by life and scorned by love. They were just excited about Spring Break. 

Undergrad felt like eons ago but Shiro remembered a time when all he’d wanted to do was party the night away. Maybe spend the night with someone. Maybe do keg stands. Maybe do both. A smile flitted across Shiro’s drunk face as nostalgia made him feel warm and fuzzy. 

Until a sight drew him back into a memory he didn’t want to walk down. They were stopped at a red light, the one right before his street, and a young girl stood on the sidewalk with her rather large boyfriend. He was yelling at her and she was yelling back but Shiro could tell she had less bite than he did. He watched her flinch and hurry across the crosswalk while he remained behind and just kept yelling. 

The young girl joined a group of friends on the opposite sidewalk and they all swooped in to comfort her. The sight warmed Shiro's heart and he was glad she had a group to turn to. Sendak had made sure he had no one to turn to and Shiro recalled those dark times and immediately nostalgia’s warmth turned cold. They pulled up in front of Shiro’s little house and he left a hefty tip before going inside to sit alone in the living room. 

Matt had texted him a few times to see if he were alright and Shiro gave one word responses to at least let Matt know he wasn’t dead. And then his eyes lingered over all of the texts Keith had send him but he’d never replied to. He pulled open a new text and started to type. 

_ Hey. It’s Shirt. No. Shirt. No. Shir o. Shiro. There. Ducking phone. Duck. FUCK. Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry because I liekd ou y a lot. You’re a cool gy gu adn I kow you’ll fin d someone that is better tha n me soon . ok //? Ok.  _

Shiro hit send and waited. He didn’t have to wait long. Soon the read receipt turned on and Shiro waited for Keith to reply back but the minutes ticked on and eventually Shiro felt his eyes grow too heavy and sleep dragged him under. He slept on the couch the remainder of the night and it wasn’t until morning that he saw the messy text he sent Keith and felt his heart sink. 

Keith left him on read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to _If You Want Love_ on repeat while writing this.

Spring break – a time when students all across the country flew to different parts of the world to drink until they were wasted and couldn’t remember their actions the following day. A time of relaxation after weeks of cramming and making up answers on midterm tests. Two weeks of no classes, no deadlines, and no reason to be up before noon.

For Keith, however, the two weeks meant sitting in his bathroom with his head in a toilet and not because he was dangerously hung over like his students were bound to be.

No, Keith sat in his bathroom over and over because his body was ridding itself of whatever illness he’d finally caught at the end of midterms. A stress weakened immune system and touching too many doors led him down the path leading to vomiting and not being able to keep anything down. Sweat ran in his eyes but Keith felt freezing cold. A blanket weakly wrapped around his shoulders, he could hear his roommates downstairs bitching about what they wanted for dinner.

Suddenly, Keith wished he lived alone.

“Hey, uh, Keith?” came Lance’s voice outside of the bathroom door. “There’s someone here to see you. Some guy.”

_Some guy_.

For a millisecond Keith allowed himself to hope that some guy meant Shiro and they would make up because Shiro realized breaking up was idiotic. But Lance knew what Shiro looked like even though they’d never met since Lance was a nosy asshole. Couldn’t be Shiro.

“Okay,” Keith managed to mutter as he stood up weakly. The world tilted for a moment and Lance reached to steady him. “I got it.”

“I can just send him up if you. Some goth dude with too much bleach.”

_Lotor._ Keith snorted and managed to shuffle toward his bedroom. “Yeah. Send him up.”

“Okay.”

Keith eased into his bed and pulled more blankets on top of his shivering body. A well-used thermometer sat on his nightstand and Keith diligently shoved it under his tongue. It didn’t take long to beep and tell him his fever now sat at an impressive 103 degrees.

Lotor knocked once and then stepped in through the open door. Dressed in black leggings and a black blazer with little patent leather boots, he painted a picture of fashionably professional.

“Well, don’t you look like you’d rather be dead,” Lotor said with a snort.

“How’d you get my address?” Keith asked with a yawn as he set the thermometer down.

“It’s public record and you’re the only Keith Kogane in this area.” Lotor grabbed Keith’s desk chair and sat along it backward. “Have you seek a doctor?”

“No,” Keith grumbled. He hated the doctor.

“You should. What’s your temperature?”

“Not your business.”

Lotor rolled his eyes and placed the back of his cold hand to Keith’s forehead. “You’re burning up. I came over to invite you out but I see that isn’t happening anytime soon. There’s a gallery show downtown I thought you would enjoy. We could view the art, have lunch-“

“Are you asking me on a date?” Keith asked, bewildered. He’d only been single for a few days and Lotor was already swooping in.

“Perhaps.”

_Fuck_. “No,” Keith said firmly. “No way.”

“Why? You liked me once.”

“That was over eight years ago. No. Just no.”

Lotor looked sad for a moment but he nodded as if he understood. “Well, someone needs to take care of you. God knows you never take care of yourself.”

Keith groaned and pulled the blankets over his head. He didn’t want _Lotor_ taking care of him. No, he wanted Shiro and he wanted Shiro to want him. _Shiro doesn’t want you. He chose to be away from you and I’m sure he’ll move onto someone else quickly._

“I’ll be back,” Lotor said.

“Where are you going?” Keith mumbled.

“To get you some medicine.”

“Lotor, please just leave me alone. I’m tired and all I want is sleep. If you care about me, you’ll just let me alone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“ _Yes_.” Could he have been more clear? Lotor made him uncomfortable which wasn’t fair to Lotor since he was trying, but Keith didn’t want to be flirted with right now. Especially since he knew he resembled a pale swamp monster.

“I just want you to be well, my friend,” Lotor said quietly. “That’s all.”

Keith snorted and rolled over. “Fat chance.”

Shiro was gone and Keith wasn’t sure if he’d ever be well again. Lotor went quiet and soon the silence dragged Keith down into a deep slumber.   


* * *

 

Spring break was a time for everyone to unwind – students and professors alike, but somewhere along the lines of lesson planning for the remainder of the semester and dealing with the breakup, Shiro had missed the memo. Matt had told him to take a vacation but most of spring break had been a stay-cation, where he spent his days cleaning and gardening, while his nights were spent furiously masturbating while thinking about Keith.

_Keith_.

Shiro sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Spring break could have been a time for the two of them. He could have taken Keith somewhere nice, somewhere with a white beach and clear blue water, somewhere resembling paradise. Somewhere other than here with the bad memories and cruel karma.

But they were over.

The unanswered drunk text message proved that they were definitely over. Shiro knew, rationally, they were over because he’d told Keith he needed time to figure himself out, but now that Keith was no longer in his life Shiro felt lost. Dealing with the shadows of Sendak alone sounded like a task too great to bear. Shiro ran his fingers along the screen of his phone and debated on calling Keith to see what he was up to when his phone began to ring without prompting. The phone suddenly vibrating startled him so badly, Shiro almost dropped the device, but just managed to keep it from falling to the floor.

 

_K U R O N_

 

Shiro snorted and answered. “Who died?”

“Excuse me?” Kuron replied in confusion.

“You never call, so who died?”

There was a long pause before Kuron laughed. “No one died, you asshole, I was just calling because I was debating on coming to see you since I know you’ve got some time off. Or are you too _busy_ to see your brother?”

The image of Keith slowly faded from his mind and replaced itself with Kuron. He hadn’t seen his brother in a _long_ time. “I’d love to see you, you fucking asshole.”

“Good. Because I’m pulling into your driveway right now.”

Shiro stood and went to look out the large living room window. True to his word, Kuron was parked in the driveway, easing out of his truck, and grabbing a bag to sling across his shoulder. A smile softened Shiro’s face and he hung up the phone to go and answer the door instead.

“Shiro!” Kuron greeted and they met in the middle to grasp each other into a firm hug. Kuron’s hair looked even longer than when he last saw him, but at least they were easy to tell apart now.

“Kuron, _what_ are you doing here?” Shiro asked. “No way it’s just to see me.”

Kuron clapped his shoulder and they walked back into the house together. “I can’t just make a surprise visit to my favorite brother?”

“I’m your only brother,” Shiro replied dryly. “And no, you never do. You’re here for a reason. Why?”

“ _Fine_ . You caught me. I’m here because I was accepted into a gallery nearby and the reception is Friday. I figured I could crash with you for a few days before traipsing off back into the desert.” Kuron eased into a chair at the kitchen table where Shiro had spread out papers on lesson plans and department meetings and schedules. “Jesus, do you _ever_ take a break?”

“No,” Shiro replied. He went to the kitchen to make them both tea, staring at the stove listlessly. “I was going to go on vacation but I fucked up.”

“Fucked up with what?”

“I broke up with the guy I think I could have settled down with,” Shiro replied, his voice going flat. “Because I was scared of falling in love.”

Kuron frowned. “I didn’t know you were seeing someone.”

“I know.”

“How long?”

“Since January but… Christ, Kuron, I couldn’t even let him see me without a damn shirt on.” Shiro’s fist clenched hard along the oven’s handle. “So, I broke up with him.”

“And now you regret it.” Kuron shook his head slightly. “Have you talked to him?”

“He hasn’t texted me back and I don’t blame him… I was a fucking moron, Kuron. I love him. I _love_ him and, I just… I fucking dumped him.” Shiro fanned a hand over his face and flinched when the tea kettle whistled sharply. “What kind of tea do you want?”

“Whatever you’re having.”

Shiro opened his mouth to quip back he was more of a vodka man right now but managed to hold his tongue on his drinking habits. Kuron would never approve and would probably take him out to get extremely shitfaced _once_ so he would stop drinking forever. No, Kuron didn’t need to know he was drinking himself to sleep often and heavily.

“Okay,” Shiro replied as he made them both cups of earl grey before walking back to sit down at the table with Kuron. “I never thought I’d love someone, Kuron. After Sendak… I never thought I’d _ever_ meet someone I could trust… and then I met Keith.”

“Does he know you love him?” Kuron asked, stirring his tea idly.

“Doubt it, considering I dumped him in a fucking parking lot,” Shiro mumbled bitterly.

“You should tell him.”

“No. That’s a stupid idea. He needs to move on beyond me… I’m no good for him.” Shiro sighed and left his tea still and turn cold. “I’m no good for anyone.”

“ _Hey_ ,” Kuron said sharply, rapping his knuckles on the table. “None of that shit around me, you know better.”

“Sorry. Habit. See what I mean? Sendak’s got this… _hold_ on me.” A defeated sigh slithered out of Shiro’s chest and he pressed his forehead to the table.

“You know what we’re gonna do tonight?” Kuron asked.

“What?”

“Strip club.”

That was enough to make Shiro sit up sharply. “No way. Kuron, _no_. I’m too old for a fucking strip club.”

“No one is too old for a strip club. And you need to unwind and I assume you aren’t getting any. You at least deserve a damn lap dance.” Kuron smirked and drank his tea down without flinching. “Strip club and drinks on me. Tonight. You and me. Chicks dig twins.”

“I’m _gay_ …. _You’re_ gay!”

“Dudes dig twins, too.” Kuron winked and stood to grab his bag. “I’m going to unpack. Still, think you should tell the guy you love that you fucking love him. Loser.”

Shiro sighed and waved Kuron off. A strip club was not going to make him feel better but once Kuron had his mind set on something there was no stopping him. “I am so screwed,” Shiro muttered and returned his gaze to lesson planning.

 

* * *

  


The throbbing, pounding turned out not to be his roommates being obnoxious but actually, just a raging headache rousing him from a medically induced sleep. Keith groaned and rolled over to face the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand. Mouth like cotton, he managed to squint and see the time read 6:02 p.m. At least, he was pretty sure it was afternoon and not morning, but they were at the time of year that it was light out in the morning and evening, so he supposed it could also be the a.m.

Keith debated on going back to sleep but his stomach growling, which was a first in the past few days, reminded him that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. At least, he couldn’t remember when he’d last _wanted_ to eat. Dragging his tired bones out of bed, Keith stumbled from his own quarantined sick space and down the stairs toward the kitchen. The sight of Lotor at the table playing a board game with Lance, Pidge, and Hunk made him freeze in the doorway.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Keith spat out, even though he hadn’t meant to sound so annoyed.

Lotor glanced up from the game and cards in his hands, a smile going across his face but quickly fading at whatever scowl Keith had on his face. “Keith, you’re awake. I went out and bought you some soup and rice. I figured they would be easier on your stomach. You should be resting.”

“I’ve already rested,” Keith replied. “My body is sick of resting, it wants to get up.” Not entirely true. If his head feeling like a heavy balloon was any indicator, his body still wanted more sleep.

“Well, sit down, I can make you something to eat.” Lotor stood up and went to grab a pot from the dish drainer as if he lived at the house and this was second nature. Seeing Lotor jump to care for him softened some of Keith’s resolve and he slowly went to sit down in a chair at the little island in the middle of the kitchen. The only good thing about the house they were renting was the decently sized kitchen.

“Lotor’s been telling us about your undergrad days,” Lance said with a wicked smirk. “Apparently, you used to be a wild man, Keith Kogane.”

Keith rolled his eyes. “Weren’t we all?” he countered dryly and set his phone down on the island’s countertop.

Lotor chuckled. “We were a _special_ kind of wild.”

That was true. Keith snorted but didn’t say anything reply. He slowly pulled open his text messages and stared at Shiro’s last drunken text to him. Part of him wanted to reply but the last of his resentment kept him from doing so. Instead, Keith opened up Facebook and then immediately regretted it.

Right in his face was a picture of Shiro and his twin Kuron. They were smiling and holding drinks. They’d also checked into some type of _strip club_ from the sound of the name. His eyebrows went up and he had to hold his tongue from starting to rant out loud. While he was dying and throwing up in the toilet every few hours, Shiro was out getting his rocks off. With a stripper.

“Asshole,” he muttered before closing the app and locking his phone’s screen to black.

“Who?” Lance asked.

“No one.”

“Liar.”

“Lance, I might be sick but I can still solidly kick your ass, so just shut the fuck up,” Keith growled. He eased off of the stool and walked to the staircase to head back up to his room. Lotor would bring him his dinner.

To his credit, Lance didn’t say anything else so the walk was peaceful on that front but Keith still raged inside at Shiro’s gall. Rationally, he knew it was Shiro’s own prerogative to do as he pleased. He could go out to a strip club and put his hands down a stripper’s g-string if he so pleased since he was a grown ass adult. _But he could be putting his hands down your g-string if he fucking wanted but he doesn’t._

If Keith were honest, he’d admit that his feelings were hurt, but he couldn’t admit it out loud. Instead, Keith sat down on the bed and stared at his phone emptily. If he texted Shiro right now his address and asked him to come because he was sick, would Shiro do it? Would Shiro forget all about naked gyrating bodies and come to his aid? Lotor walking in with a bowl of hot soup on a tray made Keith shove his phone away and dismiss the idea altogether.

“You should be lying back,” Lotor chided. “I know you’re tired of resting but your body needs it.”

Keith sighed but eased his back to the head of the bed and leaned back against his pillows. “Better?”

“Yes.” Lotor smiled and sat down slowly, setting the tray on the desk by Keith’s bed. “I made you rice with some chicken broth. I know it’s not much but believe me, it’ll be easiest on your stomach.”

Keith nodded and was surprised when Lotor took the bowl in hand and began to hand feed him. He opened his mouth obediently once the spoonful was no longer steaming and accepted the bite. The gesture felt so intimate and Keith would be a liar if he said there was absolutely no sexual tension between them. He hadn’t been laid since before Shiro and even his sick body had urges.

“You don’t have to–.” Keith cut off and accepted the second bite, slowly swallowing the soup and rice. “Feed me.”

“You’re sick,” Lotor replied. “And since Shiro isn’t here, then I’m here to step in. In any way, I can.”

Ah, there it was again. The innuendo about them dating. “I don’t think dating is a good idea, Lotor,” Keith said quietly. “I appreciate your kindness but…”

“I’ve changed, Keith,” Lotor argued softly, his eyes on the soup in his hand. “I’m not the same asshole I was eight years ago. I’ve learned that if you want trust and love, you have to be willing to give some away.”

_If you want trust and love, you have to be willing to give some away_.

The words resonated heavily in Keith’s chest. Shiro hadn’t been willing to give any away but Keith realized he hadn’t really given anything away either. They’d both entered the relationship with walls up and guards standing outside opposite fortresses. Neither had been willing to climb the walls or help dismantle them. They were both at fault for the breakup. Not everything was Shiro’s fault.

“Keith,” Lotor whispered. “You're crying.”

Keith’s hands flew to his face and he touched his wet cheeks in surprise, slowly staring at his glistening fingertips. “Neither of us was willing to give anything away,” he whispered. “It’s not just Shiro’s fault we didn’t work out. I was just as guarded as him. I was too busy trying to help him come out of his shell, I never bothered to take my own armor off.”

“It’s funny what we realize once what we have is gone.” Lotor set the soup aside and turned to face him. “Keith, I still have feelings for you and I know you’re still hung up on this guy… and I don’t want to complicate our friendship.”

“But…?”

“I’m trying really hard not to kiss you right now.”

Keith gulped and felt his cheeks redden. “Please don’t,” he whispered.

“Are you just saying that because you want to get back together with this professor guy or because you honestly don’t have feelings for me. If you don’t have feelings for me, _at all_ , then I will never speak of this again at your word. I just… I don’t want to let an opportunity pass.” Lotor looked just as nervous as Keith felt, his eyes darting around the room before finally settling on Keith heavily.

Keith took a deep breath and tried to envision himself with Lotor again after eight years. They made a good looking couple, there was no denying _that_ , but they were both different people now. Keith wasn’t the same brash kid and Lotor had clearly matured, too. He took a breath and slowly leaned forward. “Kiss me… I don’t know how I feel, just kiss me.”

Lotor complied. They met in the middle, pressing their lips in a chaste kiss, with Lotor’s mouth attempting to chase after him with an eagerness Keith had never felt against his own mouth by anyone else. The moment their lips collided, however, Keith’s mind blossomed with Shiro’s face and he had to stop. There was no spark, no connection, they were just kissing. Lotor pulled away first and Keith could see by the look on his face he understood.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said quietly. “I wish it could be you.”

“No, I’m sorry for putting you in this position. It wasn’t fair and it’s not proving my point that I have changed,” Lotor said and picked up the spoon to start feeding Keith again.

They went quiet for a while, but Keith could see the wheels in Lotor’s mind turning. “You’re thinking hard, stop that,” he teased lightly.

Lotor chuckled and shook his head. “I was just thinking that if you still have feelings for Shiro, then you should tell him before it’s too late. I know you want him to come rescue you after all that’s happened, but sometimes, you just have to go out on a limb and hope it doesn’t break out from under you.”

“When did you get so fucking deep, man?” Keith asked with a nervous laugh. “You really have changed.”

“Well, I’ve had my heart broken enough times to know a few things.” Lotor handed the soup to Keith and stood up. “I should go before I complicate things too much.”

“Lotor,” Keith said and he set the bowl aside. “Can we be friends? I would like to remain friends.”

“We can remain friends,” Lotor said with a nod. “I’ve always thought of you as a friend.”

“Good… and someone will come along for you, trust me. Did you get the job? I never asked.”

“I did.” Lotor smiled shyly. “I look forward to starting work in the fall.”

“Good. Good, I’m glad.”

“If you need anything, just text me.” Lotor gave Keith one more look and Keith couldn’t quite place the stare, but to Keith, it felt a mix of longing and regret. Like he was replaying their history in his mind and realizing all of the mistakes made.

“Good night,” Keith whispered as Lotor walked out of his room in a hurry. They weren’t together but Keith still felt as if they’d broken up. A second breakup in the span of a few weeks was painful. Really fucking painful.

 

* * *

  


“So, did you at least have _fun_?” Kuron asked Shiro while they lounged in Shiro’s backyard and stared up at the stars together.

They were both buzzed – okay, maybe Shiro was more drunk than buzzed. A night with a hot guy on his lap should have left him sated and pleased, but it honestly only left him feeling empty and contemplative. The entire time he’d accepted the lapdance, Shiro had pictured Keith on his lap. The stripper had been a pretty brunette so the stretch hadn’t been that extensive.

“Shiro.”

“Huh?” Shiro mumbled. He was tired.

“I said did you have fun?”

“No,” he laughed.

“What?”

“I didn’t have fun.” Shiro took his glasses off and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes until he saw swirling colors and shapes. They were prettier than the stars. “I just kept thinking about him.”

“Who?”

“ _Keith_. The guy even looked like Keith.” Same shaggy hair, same intense stare, same rock hard body. God, he’d really fucked up. “I want him back.”

“Was his fucking junk made out of gold or something?” Kuron asked with a laugh. “All you do is talk about this kid like he’s your kryptonite.”

_Because he is_ , Shiro thought sadly. Tears burned his eyes and Shiro had to pull his hands away from his eyes. He stared up at the sky, staring at the distant stars, feeling sorry for himself and tired. “I never saw his junk,” he mumbled. “He was nice about that.”

“Shiro, if you want him back, then your phone is _right there_. Text him.”

“He won’t answer me.”

“Then call him.”

“Kuron, I’m not going to _harass_ him,” Shiro snapped. Maybe when spring break ended, they could meet up for coffee. Take it slow. That is if Keith hadn’t moved on already. “I just… I don’t know how to get over Sendak.”

“You probably won’t,” Kuron said and plucked a pack of cigarettes from his jacket to light up. “Sendak was a cruel son of a bitch who stalks you on social media.”

“Excuse me?”

“Haven’t you seen? He’s so desperate to tear you down, he bitches about you on Twitter. Guy is a fucking loser.” Kuron lit his cigarette and Shiro’s mind turned to Keith. Again.

He didn’t know Sendak was stalking him on Twitter and the thought left him feeling sick or maybe that was the alcohol. Either way, it didn’t sit well that Sendak had found him on Twitter and was tearing him down there, too, even after all of these years. Maybe he would make a Twitter and maybe he would force drink some closure.

“Kuron,” Shiro whispered.

“What?” Kuron asked as he blew some smoke over his head.

Shiro held out his hand. “Gimme a cigarette.”

“You don’t smoke.”

“I know but just give me one.” Shiro watched Kuron shrug and pass over a cigarette and the lighter. He rolled the cigarette between his fingers for a moment and then lit up. The smoke burned his lungs and made him cough but it gave him more confidence as he pulled out his phone and downloaded Twitter.

“What are you doin’?” Kuron asked, his voice gruff as he waved hazy smoke out of his face.

Shiro didn’t respond. He debated on making a bad Space Daddy pun with his username but he was just sober enough to make his handle simple _tshirogane_ instead. Once the account was created, Shiro dove into the hashtag dedicated to him by his students. Kuron wasn’t wrong. Finding Sendak wasn’t difficult and Shiro took a deep breath. This could go south, he knew, but it was time to tell his story.

“Shiro, seriously, what are you doing?” Kuron asked, his voice edged with concern.

Shiro took a few more drags of the cigarette and put the thing out on his metal arm coolly, flicking the butt away. “Giving myself a voice.”

 

* * *

 

 

The word on campus spread faster than wildfire.

Keith would have had to put his head under a rock to not hear about Shiro taking a stand on Twitter against his abuser and his students immediately flocking to support him. The first day back on campus, Keith sat in the library going over Shiro’s newly christened Twitter profile to scroll through the long thread and read the story all over again.

 

> _My name is Takashi Shirogane and I teach astrophysics at Garrison University in California. My students have a nickname for me: Space Daddy. Really, there’s a hashtag and everything._
> 
> _I refused to get a Twitter for the longest time because I didn’t feel the need for it but then my brother told me someone I used to know was on here bashing my name._
> 
> _I just want to come forward and tell you all my story. I’m sorry, this is not warm and fuzzy._
> 
> _In undergrad, I was not as put together as I am now and used to be quite the partier. I was a part of a fraternity and am still proud of that fact. @KappaRhoBeta strong :)_
> 
> _While at a party I happened to meet someone and he treated me like I hung the stars in the sky. He took me on dates, he bought me gifts, expensive gifts. He treated me like a king. I thought I was in love._
> 
> _However, after a few months of dating, things began to change and I was no longer the boy that hung the stars in the sky. I was no longer his Takashi. I was scum. I was dog piss. I was worse than dirt. I was the thing he owned._
> 
> _You see, the man who I thought loved me, turned into my abuser. @sendak abused me for a very long time. Years. Now I know he’s on here and will see this and probably be angry. He’ll maybe want to come after me._
> 
> _But it’s time for me to tell you all my story because I know there is someone reading this in a similar situation and I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not pathetic or useless or a waste of space._
> 
> _You are strong. You are amazing because you’ve made it so far. I only managed to escape my abuser with the loss of my arm. He thought I was too broken but I was lucky. Not everyone escapes with their lives._
> 
> _If you are suffering from abuse and/or domestic violence, know that I am here for you. I know how hard it is to come forward. Believe me. I know. I didn’t come forward. I didn’t come forward and it was almost too late for me._
> 
> _People scoff and say ‘just leave them’ but it’s never so easy. You don’t think you CAN leave them. You think if you leave them then no one will ever want you. You think if you leave they’ll find you. They’ll kill you. Because they isolate you. They take away your friends and family. They make you rely on them and them only._
> 
> _That’s what @sendak did to me. He took away my foundations and made me rely on him. I am sure he abuses other people and I hope my story makes others come forward. I hope you can finally voice your silence._
> 
> _It took me 14 years to come forward. 14 years and I’m only doing it bc of @sendak calling me out here without me being around to defend myself._
> 
> _@sendak maybe my arm does make me ugly but that’s on you._
> 
> _@sendak I’ve moved on beyond you and maybe it’s time you do the same with me. Get some help._
> 
> _@sendak I love someone else now and he looks at me like I hang the stars in the sky but this time, I know it’s real._
> 
> _To my students, who I know will be reading this, if you need to talk to me bc you are in a similar situation please know I am here. If you can’t talk yet but find solace in this thread, then I’m still here for you. I am always here for you._
> 
> _To my colleagues, if this makes you look down on me, then maybe I chose the wrong profession._
> 
> _To my friends and family, I am stronger now than I’ve ever been. Thank you for helping me get here._
> 
> _And lastly, to you, the man I love, you know who you are. I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I love you. You’ve made me better and you’ve made me happier than anyone ever has. I hope you can forgive me._
> 
> _And @shirosrobotarm: it’s on the right side._

 

Keith stared at the tweet dedicated to him and ran his fingers over his screen, debating on replying. Since the Twitter explosion, several others had come forth to tell their stories regarding Sendak. Enough traffic had been given to the thread that the police were now involved. Sendak’s most recent lover made an official report and the last Keith had heard, the bastard was sitting in jail awaiting trial. Keith hoped Shiro would testify.

The time read 12:30 which meant Shiro would be taking lunch soon.

Keith turned his eyes to the window of the library and turned his gaze to Shiro’s office window. Before he could think, Keith found himself leaving the library and rushing across the street to the science building. His legs flew and carried him up to the second floor and down the hallway to Shiro’s office. The door stood open. Right before he could cross the threshold, his legs locked, and he froze. His heart beat a million beats a minute, at least, that was how it felt. It was like he didn’t even have a heartbeat anymore, just a general hum in his chest.

Shiro may have apologized on social media but Keith wanted an apology to his face.

“Shiro,” Keith said and stepped into his office, shutting the door behind him with a firm hand.

Shiro’s eyes widened at the sight of Keith and he stood up from his desk. They met in the middle of the room but both hesitated to touch the other. Keith spoke first.

“I saw your Twitter thing,” he said quietly. “I’m proud of you… but… but we have to talk.”

“Okay–.”

“No, _I_ have to talk,” Keith corrected himself fiercely. “I put up with a lot from you and I know I probably pushed you into doing things you didn’t want to do, but the way you handled things wasn’t good, okay? I know I didn’t give away anything about me but you never gave me the fucking chance, Shiro.”

“Keith–.”

“No, let me fucking finish.” Keith began to pace in front of Shiro, going between the couch and the opposing bookshelf. “It was always about you and your hang-ups, but you know, I’ve got hang-ups, too! I’ve got issues, too, and you know a relationship isn’t supposed to be one sided!”

“I know, Keith–.”

“I _loved_ you and you threw that back in my face. You made it sound like we couldn’t work this out together! That’s not _fair_. You didn’t consult me, you just broke up with me without even thinking that maybe, just maybe, breaking up wasn’t going to work out for both of us. You acted like your feelings were the only ones that mattered!” Keith didn’t remember starting to cry but his voice was choked with tears. “And that wasn’t fair.”

“I know,” Shiro whispered. “Keith, I’m sorry.”

Once the apology entered the atmosphere, Keith felt his body give in. He gasped and went to throw his arms around Shiro, pulling him in for a hot and desperate kiss. He’d missed Shiro so badly. The taste of his mint toothpaste, the hint of citrus on his hair, the way his cheeks turned red at any innuendo. Shiro’s solid arms wrapped around Keith in turn and they held on tight, not letting Keith move an inch away.

When Keith pulled back from the kiss to take a breath he laughed at how Shiro’s reading glasses had fogged up. Shiro’s cheeks turned red right on cue. “Shiro,” Keith said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Keith… and I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you, too. I’m sorry for not being vulnerable to you the way you were with me.”

Shiro pressed a kiss to Keith’s forehead. “I’m sorry for not giving you a chance to be vulnerable…. Do you want to come over tonight? I’d love to have you.”

Keith buried his face under Shiro’s chin. “Yes,” he said and enveloped himself in Shiro’s sweater. “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://pining-sheith.tumblr.com/) about how I have no idea what the character count on Twitter is anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> illustration by [Gee](http://gee-lil-shit.tumblr.com/post/172317522359/next-shiro-stared-completely-stunned-by-the)

 

The fire beneath Shiro’s taut skin made every inch prickle with the urge to scratch an itch but he remained still. Every breath came in staccato and tight through his ribcage, even as he attempted to tone down his emotions. Keith, patient as ever, kept kissing every inch of his skin without comment. Every drag of Keith’s teeth and lips left Shiro panting and screwing his eyes shut. He wasn’t panicking, not yet, and even though he knew this was Keith, knew Keith would never hurt him, the memories churned in dark waters.  

“Shiro,” Keith whispered against his stomach. “You’re okay. Just breathe.”

Right. Breathing.

He’d forgotten to keep breathing.

Shiro took a deep breath, at last, letting it out slowly through his mouth and opening his eyes so he could _see_ Keith between his thighs, with his nose tickling against his abdomen. They were both naked, which was better than they’d been a few weeks ago. Shiro was also remarkably sober, even though Keith had suggested they both take a couple of shots first.

_“It’ll help loosen you up,” Keith joked. “And me, too. I’m just as nervous as you.”_

But Shiro wanted to remember this and commit this memory to every fantasy he could conjure.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said but Keith sucked a hickey right below his belly button and sent his words and thoughts out the door. He moaned and tipped his head back against the pillows. “ _Shit_.”

Keith chuckled, the laughter leaving Keith’s hot breath along his tingling skin. Shiro’s arousal twitched. The sharp bite turned into a softer, open mouthed kiss while Keith’s tongue dragged to the hairline leading downward. Shiro opened his eyes again to watch Keith’s dark hair move down until he felt a wet tongue touch his base. He groaned and his toes curled inward so sharply he felt them crack.

Fourteen years, he’d gone without someone else touching him. Fourteen years and every touch Keith made lit his skin on fire.

“Keith,” Shiro moaned and wrapped his fingers around the soft sheets underneath his back.

Keith responded by placing his mouth on the tip and sucking so gently it drove Shiro’s brain to white noised insanity. This was better than any fantasy Shiro could have ever come up with, while his mouth moaned out Keith’s name over and over. The softness to Keith’s mouth, the way he wrapped his lips around inch by inch, tightening his jaw with each motion. Shiro could only stare at the ceiling helplessly, completely at Keith’s mercy. The fire of an orgasm kindled strongly in his stomach and he had to grit his teeth and pull the sheets to stop from finishing.

The heat Keith’s wet mouth left Shiro reeling. He lifted his head to stare down, eyes widening when Keith pulled all the way back to the tip and then took him back in so easily as if he’d been born to deepthroat. Cock-sucking lips weren’t even an innuendo with Keith.

“I might come,” Shiro whispered shyly. He didn’t want to take Keith surprise by an early emission.

Keith pulled all the way off with a wet pop that left Shiro’s ears red. “Isn’t that the point?” he teased, his hand still wrapped around Shiro and stroking firmly. “I want you to get off.”

“I just- I mean, we just started- and _oh God_ –.” Shiro groaned loudly when Keith teased the tip of his tongue again the ridge of Shiro’s head. Keith turned him into a blushing mess. He felt like a teenager again.

“The point is for you to come,” Keith said. “Hopefully multiple times.”

 _Multiple times_. The implication made Shiro shudder and shove his knuckles into his mouth so he didn’t make a sound that would have made God blush. “How many times?” Shiro asked.

“As many times as it takes,” Keith said with a wicked smirk.

“As many as it times it takes to… to what?” Shiro didn’t know Keith’s plans and he’d never pictured Keith as a sexual deviant. Until now.

“As many times as it takes for you to beg me to stop.” Keith’s eyes were wicked behind a dark curtain of bangs and Shiro could only moan in response because he was, once again, all the way down Keith’s throat.

From the way Keith bobbed his head, Shiro would be begging him to stop very shortly.

A bottle of lube was currently lying next to Shiro’s hip and he saw Keith’s hand move out to reach for it. His long fingers wrapped around the bottle and Shiro clenched when he realized where those fingers planned on going next. Keith’s hot mouth pulled away from him, leaving Shiro cold and wanting more. He whined at the lack of contact until Keith’s newly lubed fingers ran small and tantalizing circles on his perineum.

“Just breathe,” Keith said.

Shiro nodded and focused on drawing in slow and deep breaths, instead of how tense his calves and abdomen locked in anticipation. When Keith’s fingers pressed into his heat, Shiro felt his hips roll and his mouth fell open in a moan shaped like Keith’s name.

“Oh my god,” Shiro whispered. It has been so long since he’d felt _this_ and he’d almost forgotten how good sex could be.

“You’re doing great.” Keith pressed a kiss to Shiro’s inner thigh. “So great.”

The only response Shiro could form was another moan and he drifted closer to orgasm. The urge to come became so intense, Shiro dug his fingers into the mattress and felt his hips lift upward. “Keith,” he gasped. “I can’t hold it anymore-.”

“It’s okay, Shiro, it’s okay.” Keith leveraged upward on his elbow and there were three fingers inside Shiro, stretching him open, and the room filled with the squelching sound of Keith’s fingers and Shiro’s panting.

The fire burned hot and intense, leaving Shiro’s mind a blank snowstorm when orgasm finally took hold. Shiro cried out and his thighs jerked while his cock twitched from the intensity. A thick, sticky trail coated Shiro’s chest and stomach and he was left panting and limp. Barely started and he was already spent.

Shiro’s face turned red at his pale stamina. How was he going to orgasm _multiple times_ if he could hardly handle once?

“Stop,” Keith said as he pulled his fingers slowly free and rose up on his knees between Shiro’s thighs.

“Stop? Stop what?”

“I can practically hear you chastising yourself,” Keith replied coolly. “Stop.”

Another blush and Shiro covered his face in his hands. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“You’re amazing, Shiro.” Keith leaned down and pulled Shiro's hands from his face and they kissed slow and tender. Keith dragged his tongue along Shiro’s bottom lip until Shiro opened his mouth and the kiss quickly turned hot and desperate. Keith moaned and licked Shiro’s back molars in eager conquest.

Shiro trailed his hands down to wrap around Keith’s waist and he felt suddenly aware of their size difference. Both of his hands could wrap around Keith’s hips in ease and while Keith was well built with wiry muscles, he was _small_. Despite Keith’s smaller stature, he commanded Shiro in bed and life that made Shiro weak in the knees.

Like now.

The way Keith’s teeth grazed his pulse and his eager hands massaged into his thighs and calves. How they spread Shiro’s thighs wide open. Keith’s cock rubbed against his soft one and Shiro could only whimper. _God_ , it was too much. Keith was too much. Keith was amazing. Keith was everything.

“I love you,” Shiro whispered, his eyes half closed from the pleasure. It left him sleepy.

“I love you, too,” Keith replied. “I have condoms.”

“No- I mean I know we should but I’d rather not use… a condom.” Shiro blushed at the admission. He trusted Keith to be clean and God knew he was clean. The only thing he could thank Sendak for was _not_ giving him the clap or worse.

“You sure?” Keith asked but Shiro could see the light eagerness in his mauve gaze. In the dark, Keith’s eyes looked almost black but Shiro knew better. He had yet to ask Keith if he wore colored contacts. Of course, asking now seemed out of place so Shiro shoved the thought away.

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Fuck me, Keith. Raw.”

A slow grin curled Keith’s mouth upward and his hands slid down Shiro’s thighs to start guiding himself into Shiro. The fit was tight, even with preparation but Keith stopped and slowed, taking it inch by inch anytime Shiro clenched. Once Keith’s dark bush brushed against Shiro’s skin, Shiro could only stare at the ceiling and take deep breaths.

“Are you okay?” Keith asked. He didn’t move, while he rested his palms on Shiro’s knees. “We can stop.”

“No, I’m fine,” Shiro gasped. He drew in a few more deep breaths and felt the bird in his ribcage beat frantically with its wings. Too long he’d lived in Sendak’s shadow. Too long had his old lover’s fingers wrapped around his throat and held him captive. The bird wanted to be free so Shiro turned his gaze from the ceiling and went swimming in Keith’s gaze. “I’m ready,” he whispered.

Keith slowly levered himself over Shiro until they pressed together skin to skin, lifting his hips up and gently rolling them back into Shiro. They both groaned and gasped in tandem at the pleasure of finally having the other. There was a line in the sand that Shiro had drawn but they were both over it now. Shiro wrapped his arms around Keith’s shoulders, while Keith kissed his jaw and neck, biting hickeys into his sweaty skin.

“Faster,” Shiro whimpered, trailing his hands up until he could find Keith’s.

Keith grinned and did as he was asked, thrusting faster with an eagerness Shiro hadn’t felt in years. Their hands entwined together and Keith pinned Shiro’s wrists over his head. The bed heaved and shifted under their weight and Shiro worried, for just a moment, the platforms would give out from under them. A smile and then a laugh burst out from the thought and Keith’s face went from lost in his own pleasure to confused.

“Sorry,” Shiro giggled under Keith. “I just thought of the bed breaking under us.”

Keith slowed down until he was hardly dragging his hips at all, rolling them in slow, grinding circles instead. The sensation was enough to make Shiro moan, the laughter died on his lips. “Nah, we’d have to be more acrobatic to break this bed. Thing’s a fucking monster.”

“Why do I get the feeling that will be your new goal?” Shiro asked.

Keith winked and picked up the pace again to shut Shiro up. It worked. Shiro could only gasp and pant, his toes curling hard enough to crack. The next orgasm left him close to tears, as it wracked through his entire body. He squeezed Keith’s length so hard, Keith’s eyes rolled, and gave three more hard thrusts until, he too, was coming and achieving release.

Keith’s fingers spasmed around Shiro’s wrists and his brows knitted together tightly as if he were in pain. Shiro pulled his hands free so he could reach up and cup Keith’s face.

“Are _you_ okay?” Shiro asked quietly, dragging his thumb along Keith’s cheekbone.

“Yeah,” Keith breathed out. “Just really intense. Being with you… it’s all so intense.”

Shiro nodded in agreement.

Being with Keith was by far the most intense feeling he’d ever experienced. Shiro had figured it was due to the lack of sex in his life but Keith was feeling it, too. Keith pulled out slowly and then they were lying side by side, facing one another, and their legs tangled together. The afterglow was by far, Shiro’s favorite feeling.

“Need a fucking cigarette,” Keith said with a chuckle. “Sex with you? Fuck. You’re out of this fucking world, Space Daddy.”

Shiro buried his face in Keith’s neck and gave his skin a soft kiss. “Shut up.”

Keith laughed, pulling Shiro close to his chest. “It was worth the wait. You’re worth the wait.”

“How long before we can do it again?” Shiro asked shyly.

Keith chuckled at Shiro’s eagerness. “Gimme a few.”

“Keith,” Shiro whispered, trailing his fingers along Keith’s arm gently.

“Hm?”

“Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Tell me something about you. Something I didn’t know before.”

Keith paused and Shiro let him. They sat in silence for a while, with Shiro’s head pillowed on Keith’s chest. He listened to the slowing, gentling beat of Keith’s heart and let himself be comforted in the reverb.

“I once had an affair with the color blue,” Keith said, which wasn’t what Shiro had expected at all but Shiro loved that about Keith. Always being on his toes. Never knowing what he’d say.

“What do you mean?”

“When I was in undergrad, my freshman and sophomore years, actually, I fell in love with _blue_ . Everything I created was in a shade of blue. I read this book, it’s called _Bluets_ by Maggie Nelson… it’s… it’s beautiful, the way she writes. She writes about heartache and friendship and love and sex.. And the color blue. My favorite quote is, _“If I were today on my deathbed, I would name my love of the color blue and making love with you as two of the sweetest sensations I knew on this earth.”..._ I don’t know, it just really seems to sum up this moment.”

The book was not one Shiro knew but he made a mental note to find it at the bookstore the next time he went. “It sounds beautiful, Keith.”

“It is… I loved the color blue… I don’t know why. It never made sense to me, really. I couldn’t ever explain it to my professors… I just doused myself in blue because…” Keith trailed off and seemed lost in thought for a moment. Shiro glanced up at Keith’s face and knew the next words Keith spoke would be sad. “Because it was the only thing that brought me happiness during that time period of my life. I was lost… I was depressed. I was broken hearted, too.”

“Why?” Shiro asked quietly. Maybe it was wrong to ask and delve but Keith knew so much about him and yet Keith’s history was such a dark, murky history Shiro had yet to tap into.

“I was in love with someone. At least, I thought I was in love with someone. You met him earlier.”

“Who?”

“Lotor. The guy with the white hair? We went to undergrad together and we were an item for a while. We were roommates and then… roommates turned into something more for a while. During my freshman year. Winter break we… we fucked the whole damn two weeks.” Keith sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Christ, now I really _do_ need a cigarette.”

Vaguely, Shiro remembered a pretty goth looking man at Keith’s office the day they’d broken up. “The goth guy?”

“Him, yeah.”

“Oh.”

“We’re not a thing now and I don’t want to be with him,” Keith said quickly, probably to quell any possible jealousy. “But anyway… that’s two things you didn’t know, I guess.”

“I’m glad you told me,” Shiro whispered. He pressed another kiss to Keith’s chest. “Now, go have a smoke before you explode.”

“ _Thank_ you.” Keith eased out of bed and went to grab his pants and fish out his cigarettes. “What’s the likelihood I can do it naked in your backyard?”

Shiro snorted. “You sound like Kuron. Put on some pants, you heathen.”

Keith flipped him off in response but he picked up Shiro’s sweatpants on his way out. Once Keith was gone, Shiro stretched out on the bed and realized he was sore and sticky. They both needed to shower and the sheets needed changing. The only thing Shiro could do, however, was close his eyes and let the warmth of Keith’s spot pull him down under into a comforted and peaceful sleep.

 

* * *

 

Morning came and with it so did a neck ache from hell.

Keith grunted and groaned when he finally managed to sit up. The clock read 8:23, which meant it was still too early to be alive but the pain in his shoulders and neck urged him out of bed. Not to mention the heavenly smells coming from within the house. Shiro was making breakfast. Keith wound his way through the house until he came to the dining room, his fingers trying to dig the knots out of his neck as he walked.

“Morning,” Shiro greeted with a huge smile.

“I didn’t fuck you good enough,” Keith muttered sourly as he took a seat at the island counter.

Shiro laughed. “Excuse me?”

“You’re upright and walking at 8:30 in the morning, I didn’t fuck you good enough.”

Shiro snorted and passed over a plate full of eggs, bacon, and pancakes. “Eat your breakfast.”

Keith took the plate and noticed the food was arranged in a smiley face. The arrangement made him snort and chuckle, the pain in his shoulders slowly receding as he moved around and relaxed. Shiro handed him a fork which Keith took gratefully, digging into his happy breakfast.

“You seem chipper,” Shiro noted sarcastically. “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed, grumpy-pants? Figured getting laid would make you happy.”

Keith held up his finger as he tried to chew quickly and swallow without choking to death “It _does_ make me happy,” he said once his mouth was clear. “I woke up with a neck ache. It’s your mattress, babe.”

“Too stiff?”

“God, yes. How do you sleep on that thing?”

Shiro blushed and looked cowed. “I’m sorry. We’ll have to see if we can get another one or something.”

“We?” Keith perked up at the sound of being included in Shiro’s life. No longer a casual fling, Keith realized somewhere along the way he’d graduated to boyfriend and hadn’t even completely noticed. The breakup had screwed everything up.

“I mean…” Shiro glanced up at him and the look on his face read somewhere parked between shy and unsure. “I just figure… if you’ll be over more…. Now that we’re back together and all… You should be comfortable.”

Keith sucked in a deep breath. Mentally, he was doing backflips with excitement; the implications of being over more and Shiro _wanting_ him here. Having more sex. God, so much sex. _Please_ , Keith thought.

“Keith?”

“Sorry,” Keith said quickly. “Yes, you’re right. I want to be over more. I love you, Shiro. I love being around you and God knows I can’t wait to fuck you on every flat surface.”

Shiro coughed and almost choked on his breakfast. He reached frantically for his orange juice, taking a long swig. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, that’s the general idea,” Keith teased.

“Really, right in front of the happy pancakes?” Shiro asked, which made Keith laugh again.

“If you keep it up, it’ll be on top of the happy pancakes.”

Watching Shiro’s face go thirty shades of scarlet was worth every minute of waiting.

 

* * *

  


“Europe, huh?” Matt asked over his shoulder.

Shiro jumped, not realizing he’d been joined. “Christ, wear a bell,” he muttered angrily, trying to hide the _other_ tab he had open on his laptop without Matt noticing. If Matt saw it, well, his life would be over.

“Wait- is that- are you- _Shiro_ ,” Matt gasped.

Too late.   
  
“Matt, _don’t_ , I’m _just_ looking,” Shiro growled as he attempted to close out of the jeweler’s website.

“Europe _and_ engagement rings?” Matt came around to sit across from him at the table in the library, his eyes as large as dinner plates. “Holy shit.”

“Just _looking_ ,” Shiro reminded him firmly. “I’m not buying. It’s too early to ask something that serious. We’ve only been back together since March.”

“True,” Matt mused. “But you're still _looking_. You really like him.”

“I love him,” Shiro said quietly. “I want him to move in with me.”

Matt whistled. “You going to ask him?”

Shiro nodded.

The year was coming to a close and Shiro always planned a small vacation at the end of each academic year to unwind. He usually just traveled around with Kuron for a few weeks or crashed on his brother’s couch to escape his life for a while. This year was different. This year he had a Keith.

This year he had more money.

This year he was in love.

“Is it crazy to want to propose so early?” Shiro asked quietly. “I mean I _really_ love him and what if we had a long engagement?”

“I can’t tell you what to do _and_ I can’t judge too much. I asked my wife to marry me after six months of being together. We’re still married today so… I think it just depends,” Matt said with a casual shrug. “Do I think most people would think it’s too early? Yes. You’ve been with him for what? Not counting your brief breakup… five months?”

Shiro nodded. “We’re calling it a hiatus. The breakup. It was a hiatus.”

Matt snorted. “I like it.”

“The point is, I’ve never felt like this before… I mean when I was with Sendak I thought I was in love but I had _no_ idea what love would feel like and now that I’m with Keith, I _know_ I’m in love.”

When Shiro wasn’t with Keith, his mind only had thoughts of Keith and his messy onyx hair and eyes that had no color label. They were trapped somewhere between the sky at twilight and deep pools of dark ink. They spent every moment together now that they were _together_. After having Keith over back in March and the first time having sex with him, Shiro had been eager to jump into a public relationship.

Free of Sendak’s influence, Shiro felt no fear and he wanted the entire universe to know how much he loved Keith.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Shiro. You have to make that decision yourself.” Matt rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “But I mean, I could see you two married.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Definitely.” Matt grinned. “Better do it before that Lotor guy moves in on him.”

Shiro snorted but part of him thought Matt had a point. Whether or not Keith said nothing was going on with them, he still remembered their conversation three months ago regardless. Shiro hovered over shutting the tab down but then he decided against it and slowly returned to browsing for engagement rings. If nothing else, it was fun to look and if he bought one, he didn’t _have_ to give it to Keith right away.

He could buy it and keep it on his person and give it to him when the time was right.

Besides, Shiro liked being prepared. 

  


* * *

 

Finals completed. Students hustling and bustling to start their summer vacations. The campus slowly vacating until it would soon become a ghost-town until summer session started in late July. Keith remained in his office, finishing last minute emails and pondering Shiro’s latest text message.

 

_→ Europe?_

 

The text felt so cryptic as Shiro had yet to follow up with anything else. Either the text had not been meant for him or maybe Shiro was simply asking his opinion on an entire continent like you do. It wasn’t the first thing Keith would have thought Shiro would want his opinion on, since they had yet still to decide on dinner but Shiro never did anything Keith found normal.

 

_→ Sorry a student came into say goodbye :)_

_→ I was wondering if you had plans for the summer and how you felt about Europe? I was hoping to take a trip before summer session. Are you teaching during summer session? I hope so :)_

 

Keith’s eyes fell on the text messages and a small smile ghosted across his lips. Shiro wanted to take him to Europe. He’d never been to Europe before, hell, he’d hardly been off of the West coast. Cold and Keith didn’t get along and he was a desert wanderer at heart. A free spirit as Pidge called him.

 

**← I’ve never been to Europe. I don’t even have a passport :( but it sounds fun? I don’t have that much $$$ tho**

 

_→ We can fix that_

_→ The passport_

_→ You don’t have to pay, I would pay. I was thinking Britain & Ireland and then we could hop over to Spain and see Barcelona, it’s beautiful and you would love all of the walking and architecture. France? You have to see the Louvre. Oh and Italy. Greece? I bet you would love all of the ruins and art. What do you say? _

 

Ever since Shiro had been up front about his trauma and abuse, he’d become a different person – no, not different. He’d become the person he’d always intended to become. Outgoing, fun, and carefree. Keith loved this Shiro as much as he’d loved the nervous wreck he’d started dating in January.

After spending the night together, Shiro had been eager to become extremely public with their relationship. Hand holding, kissing, walking each other to class, having lunch together, sitting in the cafe to have coffee together, and manning campus events together when appropriate. They talked more. About everything. From classical artwork to the latest discoveries in science, they covered it all. Shiro asked more questions about _Keith_. In a span of the remaining weeks in the semester, they’d gotten to know each other in ways Keith had never thought they’d reach.

 

_→ Keith?_

 

Did Keith want to spend the summer traipsing around some of the world’s most romantic cities with the man of his dreams?

What a rhetorical question.

  
**← Count me in**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never fear, this fic may have finally ended but the professors will return. Keep an eye out for a few more pieces within the same universe :) 
> 
> Come cry to me on [tumblr](http://pining-sheith.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xenogl0ssia)


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